The wide and smooth road is always the best to take, isn't it? No bumps, no getting shaken up, no rocks in the way.

In some ways, if I had stayed in the life I knew, I could have had mostly "smooth sailing" so to speak. Barring an unforeseen occurance I could have just coasted for the rest of my natural born days.

The trouble with all of that is that I would have died. Oh, I wouldn't have done it on purpose....I would have just let myself waste away. I know, that's all so freakin' melodramatic, isn't it?

Yeah, I hear tell that one of my son-in-laws is keeping track of my blog postings and claims I have bipolar disorder. Big whoop...that was hard to figure out. I wrote all about it for a blogger friend named Shiloh two years ago on this very blog. He really had to work hard to figure that one out, didn't he? And he claims to be prophetic.........not.

I am the first to admit that I have a low-spectrum case of bi-polar, especially since a doctor actually diagnosed me with it 15 years ago. He also said, and please get this part, that it does not significantly affect my life and that apparently Mr. Hope, who didn't like it when I tried Prozac, LIKED what he called my "expansive personality". Any child who thinks I should be on medication needs to talk to their father about that little tid-bit of information.

I made a decision quite a while ago that I'm not going to worry too much about what my children or in-law children have to say about my mental health. When we took in Gabriel 1 1/2 years ago I was told by one of my daughters, the one who has a penchant for slipping around the blogstream and questionstream calling herself "Foxy Lady", that I was mentally ill THEN.

THE REASON WAS BECAUSE I HAD THE AUDACITY TO TAKE IN A 15 MOS. OLD FOSTER CHILD AT 53 YEARS OLD!

She said that her father was "weak" for not stopping me...as if he had no part of the decision to take Gabriel.

Oh my goodness....I know. THAT is a SURE sign of mental illness, isn't it? To take in a toddler at the age most women are hoping to sit around a little more? I am the first to admit that I don't have quite the energy that I had at 25, but then again, I'm a little smarter now too. Having raised a bunch of kids, I know what to waste my time on and what not to waste my time on. THANK GOD!

I am no longer wasting my time on anyone....and that means ANYONE....
who is going to disrespect me, my choices, my life. When I get told that I have a "mental illness" because I wanted to love one last baby...a crack baby at that, well, I guess it's time to stop listening to the opinion of that person, and any one else who agrees with her, and move on.

And to think that Mr. Hope and I actually considered ADOPTING Gabriel in our old age! What nerve we had, didn't we? As it worked Gabriel is living with loving relatives and I am now free to make different choices for my life. I'm sorry to say that my grown children are not any more pleased with this one than they were the last one.

I was told last night by a fellow blogger that I am being "abused" by another fellow blogger who happened to come to my house for a new start in life 3 mos. ago. I guess I would be more inclined to notice if it weren't for the fact that my family has been abusing me, and my love for them, for years. If Vision is abusing me I have yet to see it....as always, I invite you all to pray for me, and so does he.

The only problem for you will be, that you will have to repent to God first for the mighty judgments you have heaped first on him and then on me without knowledge. God doesn't like it when unrepentant judgmental people pray pious prayers.

Oh, and by the way, before anyone makes judgments about Visions giftings you might want to talk with him first. I mean, judgments from afar are generally known as gossip and slander. The only thing I would warn you about when you talk to him though, is that you might want to be very, VERY honest. If you are not, he can and will 'read your mail' and his track record is 100% at the moment (better than Seattle Slew).

When I started out on my walk with the Lord in 1976 I knew the Bible said that the way would be narrow. Yep, that would be exactly the way it's been! Who knew that in 2008 that one of my son-in-law's would be making hard copies of my blogs to try to prove "mental incompetence" in court, hmmmm? Yeah, I know, taking in Gabriel was SUCH an unsound thing to do, wasn't it? Since all of my fellow bloggers supported me in that decision and were so kind to comment on each pleading post I wrote back then, you may be found culpable. Don't bother looking up the word, Craig. It means "at fault".

If the road I'm taking doesn't seem right to you, please pray rather than make ignorant judgments. Telling me that I am with an abusive man, when you haven't even met him, and gossiping about us, saying that we are sleeping together, when that is pure conjecture and slander, is falling on deaf ears over here.

The revelations about some relationships with people whom I have esteemed (far) above every other relationship in the whole wide world have boggled my mind lately and set me on a path for the rest of my life from which I can now never turn back.

When I made the choice to leave my marriage, I knew that my children would be hurt and confused. I felt bad about that. We were not people to expose ourselves too much, even to the children. Truth be told, there are few, if any, on this earth who know the true intricacies of my long-term marriage....

It has only been since I have done this thing that my eyes have been opened to the truth of not only how my own mother and four sisters feel about me, but how my very own children feel about me too.

I've never expected to receive a lot of love back from any of my children. A little common respect and decency would have been nice though. When one of my daughters clothed herself in the name "Foxy Lady" recently and slipped around the blogstream and the questionstream spreading lies, gossip and slander (she still has not spoken directly to me about anything since her father and I separated) I was so stunned that I thought for SURE that it COULDN'T have been one of my kids, to the point that I falsely accused another blogger (who was hurt at the time), something that I am eternally sorry for. The lack of respect this daughter showed toward me, and the things that she said, based only on family gossip, not on truth, still shocks me, even to this day, when I allow myself to think about it.

Then this happened.

I will allow Vision to share the details. The title of this piece is:

"You'd Rather WHAT?!?" (How The Prideful Fall...)


Yesterday, Hope and I were Shown Evil... After everything people have been throwing at us recently, after All the "Darkness" that has been slung upon us, we both Saw the Hypocrisy that is the Foundation for those who Condemn.

I had already been Shown this particular (and Deeply-hidden) Evil the night before... I SAW it coming, and I told Hope that (depending on Her Choice,) I would need to Move out. She didn't understand at first, and-rightfully So... I didn't go in to Detail, because Detail can Affect Choices, and (as I keep Trying to tell Everyone)- "It's ALL About The CHOICES;" so for me to say anything BUT; "I need to get a place of my Own" could have (and WOULD have) affected the outcome of Many things...

This Evil-this Truth that I had Known for quite some time Wasn't Evil from Afar... It wasn't "long distance," it Wasn't "from a stranger,"- instead, (and Sadly) it was as Close as Hope's own Heart.

Hope's son, (a "Theology" Major who is also getting a degree in Teaching, and is a Self-professed "Man of God,) had (during an argument several weeks before) openly and Proudly said that "a woman Cannot be "Raped" in Any way if she is married to her husband because "the woman's body BELONGS TO her husband (according to Scripture...")

THAT in Itself was what God used to open the "Door" for me in to his Spirit; and I was able to "step into" him and "See" what he was Really all about Beneath his deceptive Cloak of "Godliness." I told Hope Then what I had Seen Inside of him, and had Warned her of his True Darkness; but-because Hope HAS Hope and Love and a Strong Desire to Continue to have both of those when it comes to others (especially "family;") she was just too Close to it to see, and there was really nothing I could Do at the time except tell her what I was Supposed to tell her, and Wait for God to Show her in His Own Way...

Saturday night, after talking with her son about the current situation involving the family, he confessed to us that (he) would rather live with Hope and me than to live with his dad (for many different reasons). As SOON as Hope and I got back to the other house, everything Dark about her son came like a Flash to me; and I KNEW that if Hope Decided to allow her son to stay with us, I would have No Choice BUT to leave, because I simply Cannot be around THAT kind of Darkness-thus; my telling her I would need to get my own apartment.

The next morning, however; God Decided to Intervene and put a Stop to MY leaving by Exposing her son's TRUE colors in front of Hope, myself, Hope's soon-to-be ex-husband, and one of her adopted daughters. As Hope, her former husband and I argued about her former husband's Lies, Treacheries, Deceit, and flat-out Crap he was pulling, and Exposing the reasons Behind all of it; her son showed up, and (once Again) involved him SELF in what was going on.

Hope tried telling him what his dad was REALLY up to, and how he had Admitted to All of it right to her face, and All her son could do was get on his high-horse, become self-righteous and Pious, and tell Hope (his own mother) that Divorce is "Never Acceptable" to God-(even though her son has Never BEEN married, and still lives at home at 29 years old...)

Hope told her son that if she Hadn't decided to divorce, she would have ended up doing something like going on a "Fast"- only instead of just abstaining from food, as she normally does for long periods of time when she fasts, she wouldn't drink liquids either-something she would have been able to accomplish easily because NO ONE in her "family" would ever Think about HER long enough to even Notice; and she would have just slowly slipped away for Good. She knew that this was wrong to think but it's the truth.

She then asked her son point-blank; "Isn't divorce BETTER than my Death?" and (without even a Second passing) her son rose up, became Visibly Threatening, and yelled; "I'd RATHER you DIE than get divorced!!!"

WOW.... From his OWN Self-Righteous, "God-Loving" "I want to be a Preacher" mouth...

There are FAR too many other details about her son to go in to-let's just SAY that he has MANY problems-Including SEVERE Rage and Intolerance when Anyone says Anything the LEAST bit Contradictory to what HE "Believes in;". The fact that He CONFESSED that he would "prefer the Death of his OWN Mother" to her getting Divorced speaks VOLUMES about what's REALLY in his Heart and Spirit-and he WILL be Judged Accordingly FOR it.

I, personally, don't know HOW he expects ANYONE to allow him to "teach" Anyone-Especially with his Uncontrolled Rages, Delusions, VERY Profuse moments of Reality Loss, and his Overall Sense of Self-Righteousness; but I CAN tell you that ANY son who CLAIMS to be such a "Man of God" who Yells out that he WISHES his mother would DIE instead of divorcing the man who has treated her badly for the past 36 years is NOT the kind of "Man of God" I would EVER want to see being Allowed to teach, or Preach, to Anyone, at Any time, for Any reason...

And Hope and I are the ones who are "doing a Bad thing???" Methinks this entire "family" are Really nothing More than a Den of Selfish, Spoiled Vipers-and from what I've "Seen" and witnessed in Person-they ALL have a LOT to Answer for. I PRAY they See the Light in Time...
Love and Peace to All
Vision

This is something I posted March 13, 2006. I've decided that it is very pertinent for this day. With all my faults and weaknesses, being underhanded isn't one of them. In fact, I'm generally told that I'm TOO open. In the case of my recent life choices, I have been nothing but honest and forthright with everyone involved, even to the point of being judged more by what I've said, than what I haven't.

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Gossip and its more evil cousin Slander, are two of the most detrimental sins in the Body of Christ today. They have caused more dissension, more broken hearts and more destruction to the church as a whole and the individual than probably anything else ol' Lucifer could have found in his bag of tricks.

On a recent post, a blogger quoted Socrates in saying that “the unexamined life is not worth living”. I agree. Without periodic self-examination, a principle taught in all AA-groups but should be taught to all people everywhere, we continue to move forward in our lives yet not get ahead. We can own everything and have all that the world has to offer, but if we just blindly keep shoving our way past people without a thought of who they are and what they mean in our lives, I believe we come to the end of our lives harboring bitterness, resentment, unforgiveness and cynicism inside. It would behoove all of us to examine ourselves, our lives, and our hearts often....at least before we begin to condemn another.

I have met SO many bitter old people, Christians and non-Christians alike, and have come to realize that the problem did not start when they got old. It started when they were much younger and never got over the issues they had with others. Now all they can do is talk about how this one and that one hurt them, continuing to gossip, even using names, even into their old age.

It may seem justified to hold resentment when someone has truly hurt you, yet we are commanded to cast all of our burdens on the One Who cares for us. When we fail to do that, and hang onto the grievance, even if the other person was truly wrong, it eats at the very fiber of our being. We need to get rid of it, if only for the sake that we will lose our intimacy with God, if for no other reason. Get rid of it, get RID of it, GET RID OF IT.

In our society today gossip is not looked at as the evil that it really is. From the famous female comedian spouting, “Can we talk?” to the women around the table wanting “to dish” or gloating and bragging that they have some “new dirt” it’s all the same thing…..it’s all gossip. While Christian women may do it, at least they are generally convicted about it and know that it is wrong. The world has a very lax attitude about it and even revels in it. Half of all TV shows and magazines are dedicated to this very thing!

Christians still do it though, don't they? They might mask it as a "prayer request" when they give way more info than was needed but it's all the same thing.

I questioned God about the problem of gossip and have listened for a long time to get His answers. I don’t claim to have every answer but I have some thoughts that He has given me.

The Bible is clear that if one talks too much they will eventually sin with their mouth. All of us need to watch our speech but that can be difficult to impossible without a CHANGE OF HEART. As a “talker”, myself, I have taken seriously the Proverb that says, “In the multitude of words there lacketh not sin”. Yet, I have found that even seemingly quiet people can be very evil in their speech not to mention their facial expressions (there IS some truth the term “dirty look”). Even our countenances can convey our feelings, sometimes better than words. We learn over the years to hide behind our words, but the tone of voice, eye contact, or lack thereof, give us other clues.

The principle, God has shown me, behind all speech is our heart. Whether we talk a lot or not, if we harbor things in our hearts and do not “examine” and clean ourselves out, emotionally and spiritually, on a regular basis, we WILL say and do things that we regret. I know that I have so I have to believe that other's do too.

The Bible says that “out of the heart the mouth speaks”. So, if our speech is evil it means our heart is evil. Have you ever been in the situation where you said something you “didn’t mean to say”? Or someone else said something to or about you that they “didn’t mean to say”? Well, this is what I have to say about that….yes, you did, yes they did.

Saying something the ‘wrong way’, or the person misunderstanding is different. That is a circumstance where in the former case the person said it in a way that came across different than they meant. In the latter, the other person took something wrong and it isn’t the fault of how the person said it.

But those supposed “Freudian slips” and other occasions when some bit of sarcasm comes out with a piece of that person’s truth attached to it, in those cases it can be safely assumed that the thought was harboring in that persons heart and mind, probably for quite a while. They may not ever have said it, but it was still there.

So, the answer to this problem is not to talk less, but to keep your heart cleared out regularly. As soon as some garbage rears it’s ugly head, repent. Quickly. While repentance may involve some saying of 'I'm sorry', what it really means is 'to turn'. To make a 180 degree turn.

People seem to think that other people who talk too much shouldn’t do that and Christians, in particular, have this idea that we need to be very quiet and unobtrusive all the time. Anyone can disagree with me if they like, but I am convinced that this is not what God is saying.
I think that God loves the bubbly and talkative person just as much as the quieter ones and I think we need to stop shoving our pre-conceived notions about that down each other's throats. The issue isn't how MUCH we talk, it's about what we SAY.

It was only after God clearly showed me that this is the way He wanted me to be (talkative) and I accepted it as His will, that He began to use me in the life of teenagers. He could only do that though after I learned the part about keeping my heart cleared out from bitterness. It is interesting to note that teenagers LOVE to be talked with, even or maybe especially by adults!, but they DESPISE being talked AT, talked down to, or lectured. Well, gee, SO DO I...... what a revelation! If we can find our way clear to treating them like a person and not like a child, it goes a long way in establishing a friendly relationship that is open to dialogue.

As an adult, if you can somehow find that netherland (it is almost impossible with your OWN children, btw, others are MUCH easier) that bridges the gap of the generations and talk to them openly, without the judgment that so many adults show young people and the rejection that children give their parents, one realizes that teenagers aren’t so different from us after all.

However, what God has shown me is not that He wanted me to talk LESS but that He wanted to CHANGE what I talked about. He wanted to fill my mouth with the Word, with faith, and with love.

I would like to make it clear that being a talker does not mean I was a gossiper. I have always had something of a sensitivity to that. I am not saying that I have been totally exempt from it but I guess I’m always more interested in talking about my self and the other person I am with than to engage in dialogue about a third party. As mothers, however, we need to be careful that in our zeal for our family and children that we do not allow ourselves, even unwittingly, to gossip about THEM. That has been more of an issue for me than talking about my neighbors or fellow Christians.

As talkers and writers, however, it makes it is imperative that we keep our heart right before the Lord. If I don’t keep my heart clear, I will still talk too much, and not about the things of heaven, but about earthly things. I will talk about my problems but not about the solutions and forgiveness that has been shown to me from God and I have and still need to show to others.

That is the core of love, isn’t it, forgiveness? I am not implying that we should not ‘talk out’ our problems….in fact, that is the way I have solved most of mine. What I am referring to is the on-going, never-ending gabbing without ever actually DOING anything about it. I think of the verse, “Be doers of the Word, not hearers only”.

As for gossip, I have often wondered why women seem to be much more vulnerable to doing that and to listening to it. There is something so attractive about it but what is it? People say that it is because the gossiper is insecure and by gossiping about someone else it makes them feel better about themselves. Are not men insecure too? Don’t men need that ego-boost that comes from a tasty bit of juicy gossip? I’m not saying a man can’t be a gossip, but the vast majority I have met are not. Maybe it is true, that gossip makes the gossiper feel better (it always gave me the feeling that I need to take a shower) but I believe that God has shown me that the reason women have more of a problem with this is because they are natural nurturers.

I know that may seem incongruous, doesn’t it, gossip and nurturing? bout it this way. We talk about what we think about. If we are thinking about people all the time we will talk about people. What is good can become bad. We need to eat, but in some of us it becomes gluttonous. We need to drive cars but for some of us who have the ‘need for speed’ (oops!) it becomes dangerous. Medicine is a good thing and can help us in many ways but if we overdose or abuse that medication it can hurt us.

As nurturers we are constantly thinking about, caring for, and tending to the needs of others. It is our God given ability as wives and mothers, and a firm attribute of our gender. The problem comes in when we begin to speak out of the thoughts that consume our minds and our hearts and all of a sudden we are saying things that we shouldn’t be. Men are not exempt from this, but it is definitely something that women struggle with more because of their orientation toward people.

The issue, truly, is not just to try to control our tongue. Brother James tells us that is almost impossible anyway. The issue is to keep a clean and repentant heart toward the Lord, then we won’t have to worry so much what comes out if we “get talking’. If we can do THAT, it is my contention that most of the garbage in the church and in the world at large can be cleaned up. selah.