To anyone who cares....please don't forget about me.

I have moved to a more permanent arrangement with someone who wants me to stay with them as long as I like and even has two of the keeeeuuuutest little boys I have ever seen. They resemble my grandchildren in some ways...to the point that I have been close to tears. They are sooooooo lovable and between their mother and them I feel like I am with family again. I feel like I have something to offer someone now and that, in and of itself, makes all of the hospitality I have received less humbling. To Caleb: I am planning to stay here, at least until God shows me something different. Thank you again. I am beginning to realize that simple thank-you's don't suffice anymore.....you know? *smooch*

Because of the move I have more limited internet access and my phone is not working until I pay the bill. It is oh-oh-kay though. Piece of cake. I can do this. I WILL survive. Where is James when I need him?

Love you guys,

POH

PS. I am near internet access until sometime later this afternoon. If you want to contact me please write to one of the addresses that you have for me. I am checking e-mail. After this afternoon I don't know when my next internet exposure will be. Please contact me as soon as you read this (Thursday afternoon) if you need to. If you write after I have left the area I will return your e-mail as soon as I am able.

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This is a repost. I did not write this but I "whole-heartedly" agree with it.

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I realize that when I use the term "the Short Bus," people either take it the wrong way, are automatically "offended" in one way or another, are completely put Off by it, or simply don't understand. It's too Easy for them to just See a word or phrase and jump to all Kinds of Conclusions (just like they do with everything Else in their lives) and they would rather Rush to Judgment than take even a Moment to Think about it. (Mostly because human Ego just doesn't Allow for the human mind to wrap itself around Anything that Doesn't make the human race "Important" or "Superior" in one way or another.)

They can look at the Evolutionary "ladder" and Proudly proclaim; "Ha! We're at the Top of the Food Chain!" and pat themselves on the back for being "higher up" than a toad, a dog, or a muskrat. (Pride can be Such a Veil of Illusion...)
But if you tell them that (Spiritually speaking) humans are Not "THE" Greatest Thing God has ever Created; they get vehemently Angry, and will stomp off like a pouty child who's just been told there's no such thing as Santa; "logging off" in their own Minds before they even hear the whole thing-proving (once Again) that humans are Nothing but Arrogant, Prideful, Self-Righteous, Pious, beings...

For Some reason, it's "important" for people to Think they are "the Greatest Thing Ever," and Any deviation from that does Nothing but create Immediate and Hate-based Rejection. They can have No problem believing in God, Buddha, Vishnu, or whatever kind of "Higher Power" they can Imagine; but tell them they are the Least of ALL God's Creations, and their entire foundation Crumbles in a matter of Seconds. (That's what Pride will Do to you...)

But the Truth of the matter Is- we are All on the Short Bus-Deliberately so... With the exception of Christ, No One Person has EVER been any "greater" than Any other; and it's only our Delusions and Ego that Refuse to Accept that notion. "I have 4 Degrees, how could I Possibly be the Same as the junkie in the alley?!?" "I make $175,000.00 a year, have a home in the Hamptons, 6 sports cars, and travel All around the world any time I Want to-how can I be the "Same" as the the guy who just got out of prison, the girl who keeps getting pregnant just so she can receive Welfare, or the guy who "slings crack" in "the Hood?!?"
Even Better- the person who "goes to church..." "I attend "church" every Sunday! I give 10% as a tithe! I do bake sales, and food drives, and clothing drives, and I help with the Christmas pageant! How could I POSSIBLY be on the same playing field as someone who does nothing but sit on their couch, drink beer, watch NASCAR and football, and beats their wife when the mood hits 'em???" (Do you notice how many "I's" are in those questions???) "I" do this, "I" do that, "I" ("accomplish") this, that, and the other thing... Where is GOD in ANY of that???

The fact of the matter is-when God Created "Man," He KNEW (ahead of time) that Humanity would Fail-that they would Fall. He KNEW they would "break the rules," stumble at Every turn, Deliberately make the Wrong Choices, treat Him like crap, and do every single Evil, Horrible, Wicked thing imaginable; (even things God couldn't imagine because-Wait for it!) God CANNOT Conceive Evil!) Only Satan, and Satan THROUGH humans can CONCEIVE Evil; so not even GOD could FORESEE just HOW far DOWN the rabbit hole humanity would actually Go... (That statement Alone JUST pissed off a good Majority of "Christians...")
God was Bummed at Himself for even Making Man-if you don't Believe me; please refer to Genesis 6:6 where it says; "And the Lord was SORRY that He had made man on the Earth, and He was GRIEVED in His Heart..."
Humans are the ONLY thing God Created that God HIMSELF was SORRY For Creating in the First Place- the ONLY thing; and yet; we DARE to Have Pride, Ego, and Arrogance?!? How can Anyone have ANY sense of "Pride" in Themselves when The Word Itself SAYS that God was SORRY for MAKING us? "Top of the Food Chain?" REALLY?!?

Out of Everything God has Created (REALLY "Read" your Bible to find out More of what God has Created-I mean, REALLY READ it!)- God KNEW HE had MADE A MISTAKE-KNEW it; and not only was SORRY for DOING it, but Realized Right Away that every person who would EVER be born (with the Exception of Jesus) was INTENDED to be on "the Short Bus;" and WOULD be for All time... He KNEW that NONE of us would EVER be "Deserving" of His Love, His Grace, His Mercy, His Time, His Patience, His Attention, or a place in Heaven; because He KNEW we would ALL fall Desperately Short in Every possible way.
But He ALSO knew that because HE had Made the Mistake of Creating us, His Love and Grace was Absolutely Necessary-Otherwise; NONE of us would "make it," and All of THIS would have been for Nothing...

Take your high-paying job... TAKE your houses, IRA's, CD's, "Assets," "Positions," "I.Q.'s," "Degrees," "Neighborhoods," "Status," whatEVER-just TAKE 'em and RUN with 'em! HAVE your Attitudes! Keep your self-righteous opinions and ideals! Keep your "Holier-than-thou" pedestals upon which you are SO fond of climbing on! But REMEMBER! No matter Who you "THINK" you "Are," You're on the Short Bus, TOO; and God doesn't CARE about Anything but the Truth of your Heart and Spirit... Do your "good works..." "Donate" your time, money, services-whatever.... Keep patting yourself on the back ALL you Want to, and tell EVERYONE what a "Great Thing" YOU'RE doing in "the Name of God..." Because the more you Do that-the further back you end Up while you Ride the Short Bus...
Love and Peace to All
Vision

Ashley....my little Ashley,

I only just met you but I feel like I've known you forever. Well, I did meet you earlier, didn't I? I never dreamed how special you would be to me. You are such an old soul inside such a young girl.

I woke myself up this morning talking in my sleep. That happens every once in a while. Usually when I'm in a new situation or things are going through my head.

I'm so disappointed that you had to leave right after I got here but I am comforted that you are coming back soon. Please stay in touch with me and be sure to contact me as soon as you get back to town.

Be assured that I think about you often and fondly. I am looking into the apartment tomorrow and hopefully will get in sometime this week. It is the one near my most precious new family (sorry I'm being so oblique...let the reader understand). Anyway, did you read about how I bought a little hibiscus tree today? Just a little one but it is so cute and already has bootyful flowers on it.

See you in September,

Love,

Connie

PS. Tell Shayne that he better call me and come over and see me. He knows where I live now so he has no excuse right?

This was a great day. I did errands with my friend and I bought a small hibiscus plant that will eventually grow into a giant tree. It already has about eight buds ready to bloom into huge bright pink flowers. I also took a short nap. Isn't it amazing how such small things can make you feel soooo good?

I went to church yesterday. It was very nice and I met some very nice people. As usual I enjoyed the singing alot. Most people who know me well know that I don't ever plan to become a "member" of an established church again, but I will admit that the fellowship was very nice.

I am hoping to find a place to swim where I am...it's not high on the priority list of things to do at the moment but you KNOW I haven't forgotten about it.

My life is slowly taking shape again. Little by little the loss and fears are fading and are being replaced by such an increasingly strong sense of the presence of God helping and guiding me. I don't worry about things the way I used to anymore. Like, I don't know how I'm going to pay for certain things right now but I just know, after seeing how God has provided for me in the past four months that He will continue to do so. My faith is at an all-time high. I feel His face shining on me. I know that there are many people who think I have done a horrible thing. I admit that there are times when I wonder if I should have just stayed where I was, in the situation I was in. Sometimes I condemn myself.

That is when the Lord reminds me that there is therefore now NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. He also reminds me that when my heart condemns me that He is greater than my heart.

I want my family to know that I so love them. I know that some of my blog posts may not seem that way, but they are reactions to the intense struggle I was, and still am, facing just to survive. Being left the way I was, not being allowed any contact with them, not being allowed to pick up my grandmother's drop leaf deak from one of the houses after repeatedly begging in voicemails that were not responded to, being ostracized like this, was not how I envisioned all of this going.

I trusted my husband so very much to kind of "take care of me financially". I wasn't asking for much. Not with all the money that we were set to make on the houses. I know I was blind...and stupid...and naive. I honestly trusted him. No one needs to tell me what a fool I was...Lookin' has already chastised me for trusting him. Don't worry, Lookin', I don't think I will ever trust anyone ever again. Not like that.

Once I realized I was being cut off, that is when I began breaking into (my own) homes that I was locked out of and taking food that he was buying for the family but not giving me money for food or basic necessities. That is when I observed that he was buying expensive imported beer for himself and televisions for the kids rooms (something I never allowed) but shutting off my cell phone and stealing my mail that was coming into our common P.O box. I have received threatening letters from his lawyer telling me to "cease and desist" from taking things from (my own) homes. Silly man...there were policeman and other witnesses there. Threaten me again...take me to court..."who will arraign ME?" says the Lord according to Jeremiah 50. People need to "hooshify" as Denis would say.

I still don't have a lawyer. I don't have the money for one and the one's I've spoken with won't represent me for various and sundry reasons that have nothing to do with the legalities of this case. So.....if he takes everything from me, including half the money that I rightly deserve from the houses then so be it. I was always the bee-yotch, wasn't I? I didn't think I was, but I must have been to make them all hate me so much now.

I am now being asked, in the divorce settlement, for CHILD SUPPORT. Excuseme por favor? Do WHAT? After you are receiving approximately $45,000 in NYS subsidy for the children living at home with you? What part of you have left your wife of 36 years DESTITUTE are you forgetting about? Child support my ass. I was the one who took care of the kids all those years...if you think you are going to get child support out of me NOW, after I am the one who insisted that you retire from that God-forsaken job that you didn't get a raise from for twenty years you MUST be JOKING. It will NEVER happen. If you think you'll get it by ordering me to court, well then, I guess yer just gonna have to find me first, arencha?

My life is new and fresh and free now. I don't have to listen anymore to grown children, with children of their own, chide me for buying the wrong juice boxes for their bag lunches when they went to school. I don't have to hear adopted children tell me that I treated them like crap all these years. I don't have to bear the indignity of being called "Connie" by adopted children whom I raised from infancy. I don't have to be treated like the chief cook and bottle washer by everyone in the house.

One of my children told someone on the blogstream via PM that I was "treated like a Queen" at home and that for the past few years I have spent every waking moment on the internet. Oh my gosh.

Number one, I have only "been on the internet" for the past two years (if you check the date of my archives it says 2006)...and number two, this child conveniently forgot that during this time, for a year and a half, we had a baby named Gabriel living with us. Even his mother stayed with us for a while during that time. I am the first to admit that I was hi-jacking wireless zones at that time because I was on the road so much taking this mother to re-hab, but I spent my days taking care of Gabriel. Only when kids were home in the afternoon and evening were they asked to help and only then if their homework was done and this particular child was just about NEVER asked to watch him....EVER.

If I did such a terrible job of taking care of my family during that time then why did Gabriel grow from an underdeveloped 15 month old to an above average 2 1/2 year old during the time that we had him. I'm not trying to brag. I'm just making a point.

During this time I also went, with my husband, to Texas for a week to take care of our grandchildren while their parents went on a cruise...and during all of this I was still staging and selling our cabin and our Lima house.

I am not tired of my family....I love my family... but I am tired of the judgment. Things are being said now that aren't even true. I have had my share of suffering the past few months but I realize now, when all is said and done, that they must have always hated me for their vindication to be this perverse. I wouldn't do this to someone I didn't care for...how much less for one of my own.

To whomever may be reading this...and I am aware that my entire family is taking an inordinate interest in my blog now that I've left in a way that they NEVER did when I was home and I asked them to....I just want you to know that I am not coming back, even if it means I lose everything. If I am ordered to, by the court, I will, but my "wonderful and kind" husband will have to contact me and pay for the round trip plane ticket because I don't have the funds right now.

You may contact me if you ever wish to know me again, but I am starting over now. I have a "family" here who loves me and is taking care of me. You know how much I like to take care of myself, so this is sort of a humbling experience, but I have been shown so much love in the past week that I can hardly express it in words. I don't think I will leave this place now unless the Lord directs me to. For now I am home. You were right Calebson...your long arms did sweep me to safety. Thank you.

I want, more than anything, to have healing contact with each one of you...I would love for any of you to seek me out (several family people have my new e-mail and phone number), and I would luh-luh-luh-vvve to have contact with my grandchildren. If that doesn't happen though, it is on each of you. I tried. I called. I was shunned. For me it is time to move on. Life is good here. I may not have a charge card, debit card, or even extra cash to just pick up and go shopping at Wal-Mart for incidentals, but I am among people who make me feel like I matter in the world. God blessed the broken road that brought me here........

PS. Denis, the sage burner I bought is so beautiful and I just love the real, uncut sage when it burns. I was wondering if I should shred it. You can let me know. What peace I feel......a peace that passes understanding. Oh wait, that can't happen from just burning a little herb, can it? I am forever indebted to you for showing me about the sage.

HEY! Look at ME! I show up at my wonderful friends house and they tell me they have no internet. Awwww, I say....that's okay. For what I've been going through lately, no internet is the LEAST of my worries, right?

Well, then all of a sudden my computer informs me that there is an open wireless zone in my vicinity (my friend's house), and would I like to join it? Well, yeeeeeeaaaaahhhhhhh............DOH!

So, guess what? Everybody in the house logged into this zone and we are having the times of our lives being on line! Yay for us, right? I've been joking ever since that I just paid my share of the monthly rent here now. Can you see me patting myself on the back?

Lot's to do tomorrow....so excited. Things are definitely on the upswing.

Caleb,

I just want you to know that I will never, ever forget what you did for me and continue to with your long arms. I love you and I always will. You are my boy.

Denis,

Check prisonernomore, 'kay? Love you and talk to you soon.

Tommy,

I love you. I will always love you. I still don't know why you didn't choose to "stay with Mom" like the dream said, but I think about and pray for you all the time. I'm sorry that I'm such a disappointment to you right now. I always wanted you to be as proud of me as I am of you. I am proud of everything that you have accomplished and am believing that things won't always be like this. Congratulations on your graduation from Geneseo. I'm sorry I couldn't be there to see it. I love you.