Now that the struggle to survive on the earth has essentially come to a close....I mean, it could start up again, but for the moment things have appeared to settle into something of a routine and I am looking back, like a PTSD survivor wondering what it all means.
God has been so good to me throughout this whole ordeal. I have never, not in my whole entire life, seen His hand so clearly holding me, even in my most questioning moments. At this time I have a place of my own to live, a little money, a comfy airbed, some candles, and nice new shower with the most wonderful hot water coming out of a new shower head. I have some new plants growing vigorously to cheer my mood day after day.... even a new coffeemaker and some Southern Pecan creamer in the fridge for the mornings when I need to wake up.
I haven't been able to take my ADHD med for two months because, well, even though it's relatively cheap, and I had a script to get it from my doctor in Honeoye Falls before I left NY (I still keep it in my wallet just in case I ever go to a doctor again and I can get him to give me a new one) I didn't have the money for a while to buy it, or at times when I did, I was too afraid to spend the money on that feeling that I might need that extra cash for something more important, like food or gas, and didn't want to spend it. It's okay now. I didn't start taking it till my late forties so it's not like I haven't lived most of my life without it anyway. Coffee helps. Caffeine is in the same category as most ADHD meds (it's a psycho-simulant) and most unmedicated hyperactive people self-medicate with coffee anyway.....ie. my husband Tom. That's probably why I've taken to drinking it every day in the past six months. With enough creamer it's palatable to me and definitely does the same thing for me that the med did.
Aside from that though, everything is going quite smoothly. My life is taking on all the earmarks of almost being.....dare I say it? Normal. I have food in my cupboards, more than enough for just little ol' me, especially since God has taught me through the fasting I've done the past 12 years how to go without for long periods of time without suffering too much, and maintaining the ability to stay healthy. Many times I have learned that when one fasts correctly you are much more healthy than when actually eating. It's an amazing thing. I don't have to do it any more at this time, but it is a handy thing to know how to do right and to be able to do when needed. Generally I used to wait until God told me to fast....and did not fast for the reason that I was being systematically starved out of house and home, but, well, either way.....I can do it. I might not be the smartest among the Rockwell girls but I'm persistent (which is why I was married for 36 years rather than the shorter times my sisters were married before leaving their husbands....and yes, it was they who left, not the husband), and I have endurance.
I could have endured to the end in this marriage but I do not believe that God was asking me to. If you disagree with that, that is your prerogative........that is very definitely what I believe, and you are not me, have not walked a mile in my shoes and need to shush. Two bloggers, one a very strong Christian, have written to me to tell me that the post I did about the things that have changed since I've been single could have been written by her years ago when she finally up and left her husband. My friend from the blogstream, "Anthony Casimire" is now living with his mother in a little house that they bought together. Anthony is Monster's friend and is the reason I know Monsterbox. Anthony's mother is a strong Christian in the Baptist persuasion. I mention that because Baptist's are known for taking a very strict line about divorce and submissions to one's husband. Well, she left her husband in April, in a very similar move to me even though we didn't know each other at the time. The only difference with her is that she planned it......I did not. She planned for two solid years how she was going to do it, saved money and bought herself a car in her own name, knowing, as I did not, that her husband would turn nasty when she left. He did just as she suspected but she had protected herself and her assets as I foolishly did not. My friend Claudette from New York also left her husband a few years ago, after 20 years of marriage (and she was a Christian the whole time) and planned her escape very carefully. In Claudette's case she was physically abused during those years of marriage. I would never lie and say that I was. My husband is waaaaay too passive/aggressive for that. He just shut the cable off after I finally found a channel I liked to watch during the hours that he was upstairs watching his own programs on TV. Yes, if you read between the lines on that, he cut off his nose to spite his face. He cut off the cable even though it was HIS life......just to spite me. He was proud of it too.
The ultimate "F You" though came the night he wanted to have sex with me but he hadn't taken a shower after three long days of work. His job was a very physical one and he needed daily showers, not weekly ones. In spite of being a two shower a day girl...a little OCD (I admit it) about that, I rarely said anything about it. That night I did.
He told me that he would take a shower after I lost 20 pounds. Whoa. Slaaaaaammmm. Didn't see that one comin'. I knew that he never liked my 5'7" broad shouldered size, preferring petite little girls like my three older sisters, but I've never been exactly obese. Most of you have seen a full shot of me at one time or another and would agree with that assessment. While I never claimed to be thin, I've never been a candidate for gastro-bypass even though I actually asked the doctor once if I could have that. He was stunned that I would even ask. Guess he didn't know what I was living with day after day.
I never dreamed that my husband was THAT unattracted to me. Combined with the insecurity about my weight that I grew up with, and the fact that my mother had been on me all of those years, I was already messed up in the head about food, to the point of having eating disorders back in the late '60's and early 70's before anything was known about them. That incident happened when my husband and I were in our thirties. The ironic thing about that is that when I began fasting for spiritual purposes in my mid forties (after I trusted myself not to get loopy about binging and purging) he would, around the 15 day, quite a vulnerable time, come and whisper in my ear that what I was doing was not healthy and that I should eat something. Don't worry, sweetums, I learned a long time ago that you do not speak the mind of the Lord to me.
The Bible may say, "Wives submit to your own husbands" (not the Pastor to whom you wanted me to submit when you figured you couldn't control me so much anymore)....but it also says, directly following, "Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church and laid down His life for it". YOU lay down your life for ME? I would NEVER have expected it.....you couldn't even take a shower for me! What men truly don't realize is that if they would just put their wife and her needs before themselves, the wife, at least a truly Christian one, won't have to be told to 'submit'. She'll already be on her knees kissing his feet. Most women are nuturers by nature and WANT to take care of their husbands. It's only when they aren't treated right that they rise up and take action.
As I'm sure you have noticed, I have more than enough time to write these days, access to the internet to keep up on my blog and to start my new one, which essentially is my memoirs, such as they are. I'm not planning to get them published so if The Windemere Chronicles is only of interest to Peggy, her siblings, etc. that is enough compensation to me for writing it. It constantly amazes me of late how Peggy could write to me, totally out of the blue like that, and we could pick up again, almost like we never left off. That, to me, is the sign of a true friend. The Bible, in the book of Proverbs, says that "A friend is born for a time of trouble". I don't think that that is the only reason why God put Peggy in my life, as The Windemere Chronicles attest, but it would appear that it would be part of it, as my experience now is showing. We have known each other almost since we were born. Within five years of that anyway.
Now that the intensity of the struggle is over for the moment, hopefully for good, my mind races to understand the scope of what has transpired, what it means now and what it means to the future. Whether my family chooses to believe it or not, my faith has not only survived, it has flourished in the face of all of this. I have not only NOT felt abandoned by God, but I have felt many times, even when I felt like I was slipping into the gigantic darkness of all of the pain and rejection, that He was holding me, comforting me, telling me that I am not alone in the world. That is not to say that this has been easy......not by any stretch of the imagination. I have shed many, many tears, and probably will continue to at times. Do not be deceived...those tears do not signify weakness however. When I am weak, He makes me strong. Even Jesus wept. People forget that Jesus was even tempted in all ways like as we are. Even though He never succumbed to sin, He was still tempted......in ALL ways, like we are. That means that He can be a High Priest who understands and does not judge us. The Bible says that He did not come to condemn us, but to save us. I trust in that. I live in the light of that.
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