It is common knowledge that this "common housewife" has been referred to of late as "mentally ill". I would like to remind you, dear reader, that the first time I was referred to as such was by my mother and my second daughter back when I had the audacity to take a 15 mo. old baby named Gabriel in Foster Care at the fragile (as we all know) age of 53. Oh my goodness, the outcry was deafening when POH and Mr. Hope actually considered ADOPTING said child should he become freed for adoption. That choice was never offered which is probably just as well since the way things have gone recently have changed everything. That question is moot because we never adopted another child (in which case I NEVER would have left) but my point stands. I WAS called "mentally ill" by two family members for doing something that everyone else in my life, in real life and on the blogstream, congratulated me for. Not that they necessarily didn't think I was "a little crazy" for doing it at such a late age, but their definition of "a little crazy" was a LOT different from what my daughter means when she calls me "mentally ill".

The way I have looked at being a Foster Parent is......it's like when you are a doctor and you see a car accident on the side of the road. You stop to help KNOWING you could get yourself in a heap of trouble and even get yourself sued for doing a GOOD thing, but you do it anyway because it's what you know how to do. When the county would call with a child, it was hard to turn them away because it is what I know how to do. I'm not perfect at it.....but I'm pretty good. Even in my oldified age. To be honest, if I could find a really good Nanny job that pays well right now, I'd be hard pressed not to take it. The only hard part is that it would get me thinking about my grandchildren even more than I already do which is a LOT.

Anyway, I've read this verse a number of times in the past few years and figured that I am in good company............

"But when His own people heard about this, they went out to lay hold of Him, for they said, “He is out of His mind.”
Mark 3:20-22"

I guess if Jesus can be called "out of His mind" (and "His own people" refers to His FAMILY there)...then it's okay if I am too. My situation at the moment is just a LEETLE bit different then the scenario I just presented or the one that Jesus was in but to be honest, it's really hard for me to take my mother or daughter's opinions seriously NOW when they were calling me "ill" for doing a GOOD work , like taking in a small, needy child back then. My mother, in particular, is showing her hypocrisy by telling me a month ago that "hard work never hurt anyone" when I told her about working 10-12 hr days on my feet. I think she was glad to hear that I might be suffering, because of my recent choices even though she was the first one to tell me, after I told her about Gabriel, that it was "too much work...especially at your age". Oh brother. Make up your mind. You're just mad that I'm not more easily controlled in my old age. Even Tom wanted Gabriel back then and actually stood up for me when I was called "ill". As I recall he was called "weak" by the same daughter who has now sided with the man who tried to starve two people. Whatever.

If I am to be judged as mentally ill, as Jesus was judged to be out of His mind, I'll take the judgment. LIke they say, you're judged by the company you keep. I like the company I'm in.

It's a new day.....a new time. I'm in a new size, with a new hair color and I applied for a new job yesterday.

Part of me still feels like "a common housewife" but there is an increasing sense that I am no longer what I was but am becoming, not someone else....but something, somehow more than I ever knew I could be. Not necessarily better......just different.

One thing I can assure you all about.....I have not lost my faith. I am praying daily and know that God is holding me in the palm of His hand. Even when I'm not perfect. Maybe especially when I'm not perfect.

Love you all,
POH

Things I think about while I'm at my mindless job in the workforce of the Great American Mid-West:

1.) If my mother, my sisters, and my two oldest daughters (along with assorted others) truly think that I have a "mental illness" as they say, wouldn't they want to reach out MORE to me, not shut me out of their lives? What about this picture doesn't make sense? It seems like you reached out more to Susie Kirsch, Mom, than you are to me at this time. It has been five months and the only time I've talked to you is when I have called, and then you only answer when I call from a number you don't recognize. Shun me if you must, however, I have never done that to you, even when you have made choices and done things that I don't agree with (and you have).

2.) If anyone in New York thinks that ANYONE in my life at the moment wants ANYTHING to do with any of you, your children, etc. you are sorely mistaken. The only person who gives any of you a moments thought...........is me. No one else that I know here even wants to hear me mention your names, talk about any of you, let alone know you at all, after what you did. Even Caleb doesn't want to know you, and he loved you all so much. One day, while standing for two hours in line at the DMV, I got talking to a 75 year old Christian man. After a while he asked me how I ended up living in the Mid-West since I am from the East Coast. I told him that I wanted to separate from my husband of 36 years, but I never intended to leave New York, especially the lake. I told him that I wanted to stay living near my husband so that I could help him if he got sick and that I had told him initially that we should still do the houses together because we are good at that. I also wanted to stay near my children and the one grandchild I have in NY and the other two who would come back from Texas periodically. I told him that my husband was very happy to let me go, or at least that is how it appeared. Then I said that my family left me on the lake, with no vehicle, no phone, no internet, no money, no credit card, no money in the debit acct., no access to finances at all, without telling me where they were going. I told him that they refused to talk to me then, and that they don't want to have any contact with me now. He looked me straight in the eye and said, "Well, I think that is the Lord telling you to find new 'family'." I teared up a little bit at that. He smiled a sad little smile and said he knew how I felt. He didn't tell me his 'story', but it appears he has one to tell. I don't know if I will ever be able to let go of my family with the apparent ease that they have let go of me, but I'm trying. I talk about everything on my blog because it is the only place I have to do it. I'm not good at keeping my feelings all bottled up. I did it for years and it didn't get me anywhere.

3.) Everyone back home is so concerned about what happened to the furniture at the 14 house. Does anyone care at all that two people were left to starve in that house for almost two months? The only reason that there was food left there at all when we left is because we didn't have room in the car to take a cooler. It was bought with Food Stamps, just so that whoever reading this is aware that it was not bought with money that was given to me. I was actually quite amazed that Social Services, in three states, granted me Food Stamps, even after I was extremely honest in telling them that I was part owner of multiple homes in NY. The lady in Kansas told me that I shouldn't have told her that because she had to record it in the record now, but I told her that I would rather be totally honest, even if I didn't get the help, than not to be and have it come back to haunt me later. After she saw the divorce paper that was sent to me in the mail (which I just happened to have in my possession at that moment) she went and copied it and put it in my file. She said that was all I needed and awarded me the Food Stamps for the month in that state. See? By filing those divorce papers so quickly Tom (after you said you would wait a year), you actually helped me....not hurt me. I am not being facetious when I say thank you for that.

Anyway, which is worse, murder by depraved indifference (and the law states that to be charged with that the victim does not have to die...it is about the intent of the perpetrator)....... or giving away furniture, most of which was mine anyway because it was given specifically to ME and was from my side of the family. Besides that, I saw with my own eyes that the spindle on my mahogany cabinet was broken off (probably in the move from the Lima house). I wasn't as upset with that as with the fact that Tom and Mike, who are the ones who moved it, didn't tell me, and tried to cover it up after it was set in place. That is one of the big reasons I gave the furniture away. I didn't have the money to take it with me, Liza and Virginia never seemed like they cared as much about it as I did, and I figured it was going to be trashed if I left it with anyone else in the family. I believe that the person who has it will take care of it very well. I am sorry that the person who took the furniture ended up taking more than was offered after I left, but to be honest, after what happened to us, I think you didn't even come close to getting what you deserved. I gave you all of the houses, Tom. I gave you everything. After you left you bought another car and even STILL didn't give me a vehicle to drive. I won't even go into the part about how you told the kids about our sex life! OH MY GOD! I had to pray about that one! You kept me from them by buying them new phones (while still paying on the old plan) and by shutting off mine. What has happened to you? Why are you doing this?

Believe it or not, I still love you. It would appear that your 'love' was only there as long as you were getting my sex every night. As soon as that was gone I must have become the enemy. I was never your enemy. I never will be. I'm still waiting for you to contact me about the stimulus check. I would like to share the money with you. You've never turned down money, so I'm thinking that you MUST think that I have something 'up my sleeve' about it. Maybe, like, you will wire me money and then I won't send you the check. It occurred to me one day that that is what you might be thinking because that is how YOUR mind works, not mine. I would never do that. If I say I'm going to send you a signed check (which can't be cashed without your signature also) then I will. I just don't think it's fair that I should send you a signed check HOPING that I MIGHT get part of it and then I don't. I might just do that anyway though....as a good faith gesture, even though I don't get 'good faith' back. My trust in people has pretty much been shot to hell so I don't have any expectations anymore. I'm pretty sure that I would never move back to NY now, but that doesn't mean I don't love each and every one of you.

I trust in the Lord. He is the stronghold of my life. He told me that He would never leave me or forsake me and He hasn't. I never 'left' you Tom. I just wanted space. I just wanted to find out who I was and where I was going for the rest of my life without having to ask permission to go to the grocery store. There were many aspects of my life that I knew were not going come to fruition (ie. inner city ministry, short term mission trips, etc.). I wasn't asking for that anymore. I just wanted some freedom to serve the Lord and figure out who I am in the mix. I never dreamed it would come to this.

4.) Working, as hard as it is, has been good for me. I would rather do something else, rather than be on my feet all day, but my weight is down, I've lost another pants size (I'm a 10/12 now, even smaller than I was when I was swimming every day), and I'm as healthy as I've been in the past five years after getting sick every few months with something). In spite of the stress I haven't been sick one time since I was so ill last winter with that horrible flu and then the extensive bleeding that came on even before I was beyond that hacking cough. My digestive system is the best it's ever been in my entire adult life, and I am sleeping through the night....something I haven't done in a number of years. From the lifting I am doing, I am having some trouble with the pinched nerve in my arm, which I have had in the past, but when I remember to take my enzymes on an empty stomach I feel a lot better.

One more little interesting thing that I did recently is have my hair colored. Well, I have colored my hair for the past 15 years, so that, in and of itself, isn't such big news, but I've always colored it some shade of blonde which was my natural color when I was younger so it goes well with my skin. A few days ago a friend of mine here and I bought a package of Loreal "Ginger Twist" and forged ahead. It is hair color that comes with it's own highlighting kit. If you happen to be in Wal-Mart, check it out and you will see what color my hair is now. It looks AWESOME if I do say so myself. Somewhere between strawberry blonde and light auburn. It goes very well with my ruddy complexion and blue eyes, and it almost matches Virginia's hair in tone and texture. It looks very natural and I am pleased with the result. Maybe someday I'll go back to blonde, but for now I am very much enjoying being a redhead. Yay for meeee!

Okay, now it's time for me to go to work. I worked in the morning yesterday....only four hours. That was nice. Today I had the morning off and work 8 1/2 from this after noon till this evening. Even the 8 hour days don't seem so long now since I've done 10-12 (8:30am-8:30pm) quite a bit. Good thing I learned to like coffee. It helps alot and with lots of creamer in there it tastes good too.

Love you all,

POH

I can't undo what I have done. Would I if I could? Should I if I could? Those are more complex questions than they would appear on the surface.

Yes, I have regrets. I regret that this whole thing was brought out on the questionstream before I had a chance to speak with my two oldest children. The shock of it must have been horrific for them. Yet, I did try to to get in touch with them repeatedly and then was repeatedly rebuffed and told, through a son-in-law, not by them, that they were not speaking to me.

This is not scriptural and it is not how they were raised. This particular son-in-law, who so desperately desires ministry for himself, should not have to be told what the Bible has to say about that as well as my daughter who submits herself to this heresy. Jesus made it clear that whether one is offended, or it the one who has done the offending, when it is realized, the one who realizes it should go to the other. When both claim to be Christians there should be no question but that some kind of conversation should take place to resolve the issue if it can be resolved. This daughter has not taken the time nor the opportunity to correspond at all.

The closest I have come to having contact with either of my two oldest children, both girls, was a week and a half ago when I received an e-mail from my second child. I had sent a small gift to each of my grandchildren, a little jigsaw puzzle that I made. I received one back in the mail with no note of explanation. Apparently none was needed. They want nothing to do with me. The other daughter sent me an e-mail, the first of any that I have received from her. She is obviously still upset (with some good reason, I will admit, as something came to light that I had no previous knowledge of....however, had she told me at the time we could have spoken then) and probably wants nothing to do with me also but the door was opened, at least a crack, for some discussion. For that reason alone I wept.

Virginia, I want you to know that I love you dearly, and that I DO have some regrets. Mainly that I didn't talk to you and Liza before the news of this got out. Whenever my heart has been heavy about this, it has been about that particular issue. I never meant to hurt either of you that way. However, the hammer of judgment came down so quickly that I could not combat it.

I am certain of one thing....that I will, most likely, never be able to satisfy all of the questions of your hearts and for that I am truly, truly sorry.

The question I posed is 'knowing what I know now, would I have left?'. Knowing what I know now......no. If I had known the shock and pain it caused I would not have. The toll was too great. I never expected to leave. That doesn't mean that I didn't want to. Even Dad knew how unhappy I have been. He's known for years and he didn't care. He knew everything because I told him. He knew that I didn't want to be married. Not just to him, but to anyone. When Frances at work told him that she would never remarry and why, we discussed that and I told him that I felt the same way. He knew it was the control issue. It never changed anything. Maybe we were too late into our marriage for things to change, I don't know. I love Dad. I have always loved Dad. I definitely love him more than he is loving me now in spite of the fact that I am putting everything out there on my blog. Sometimes silence isn't 'golden'. Sometimes it's just sinister. Maybe I share my thoughts too freely, but at least people know where I'm coming from. Personally, I think that's better.

Yes, knowing what I know now, I would have stayed 'for the kids', even though they are pretty much grown up. I still would have. Seeing how it has affected you, I would do it for you. The fact of the matter is though, that Dad was HAPPY when I told him that I wanted to separate. My picture was taken out of his wallet almost immediately, and he bought me the camper the next day. I've never seen anyone so happy to see someone else leave. By the time I got back from the five day trip in the camper there was a bottle of wine in the refrigerator at Angus and not one, but TWO wine glasses used. The circles from the bottom of the goblets are in the marble in front of the fireplace and one of the glasses was broken on the ceramic tile in the kitchen. Why, if there were no 'friend', as Dad says there wasn't, were TWO goblets used? And why are there TWO rings in the marble? Jenny herself told me that Dad had a new 'friend' from his Divorce Care group and Dad told me himself that there was 'no way' that he would EVER wait six years to remarry as the Divorce Care people recommended. I make all of these points to say that when I wanted to separate Dad was NOT unhappy so I had reason to believe that HE thought it was probably a good thing. As it turned out he decided that I shouldn't just leave, but that I should be "crushed" while doing it. If he didn't feel that way then, and now, WHY is he STILL trying to take everything from me when I had already offered him everything? Revenge is not that sweet, Tom. It hurts the other person but it turns on the one doing it and changes that person into something they never expected to be.

The second question is 'should I have left?'. That is a very different question from whether I would have. The answer to that, at least in my mind, and I say this fully in view of God and His righteousness......

yes.......

yes.......

yes.......

No, I would not have.....but yes, I should have. I did, so the question is moot, but yes, I should have. There are people, maybe some reading this right now, who knew, either because I told them directly, or because they surmised it because they know how to read between the lines, and knew our family intimately, how unhappy I was. Bloggers have told me that even some of my happiest posts scream how unhappy I was even though I never wrote about my marriage and very little about my family personally. I know, for a fact, that Squabbler knew. Randy420 knew. Fme.....not so much until he came to our house. He actually tried to put things back together in his little servant way not realizing that it was too late. Whisper knew. Whit knew something if not details. Lookin' knew. Mr. Ornery knew. Theo knew. Monsterbox, more than anyone, knew. I never even said much to him, but when he came to visit for a week he wrote a post. He knew. He saw. I trusted his words to me when I talked to him. He may be only 21 but be careful how you judge that boy. He knows stuff waaaay beyond his years. Daniel and Rich knew. I never said anything to them....they just knew. Kristina and Ginny Gordon knew. I didn't tell them. They told me.

You know what? I think God is bigger than our little preconceived notions of who He is and what He thinks. Does God approve of what I did? That is the REAL question, isn't it? If I need to repent, as Liza thinks I do, then it is to HIM that I should repent first, right? God has been so close to me that I can't even begin to describe it. His care for me during this time is unequalled in all of my life. He has shown Himself to me in ways that I have only heard tell about in OTHER people's lives, not mine. The car story is a genuine miracle (what dealership actually sells a car to someone with no credit of their own, no money down and NO JOB?). Without that car I don't know where I would be today. That is how I got the Food Stamps to sustain us through the month of May and June. That is how I was able to get off of the lake. Without that car......who knows? I hate to think.

I got the apartment the exact same way, and the landlord actually had a young couple with money in hand ready to rent it and she STILL rented it to ME. I had no money at that time. Who does that? When have you EVER heard of that happening? It defies logic.

Then again, God's ways are higher than our ways. That's why I praise Him. He doesn't have to make sense to me. He is God and I am not, that's all I can say most of the time. He is allowed to work in my life whether it seems good to me or not and I will still praise Him. When I was sleeping in my car in the Wal-Mart parking lot I could have assumed that God had deserted me.....yet, I felt His presence all the more. When I am working 10-12 hour shifts on my feet and Dad is retired, I could assume that he is blessed and I am not, yet, I don't feel that way at all. I feel very blessed and know that God is working overtime for me. I KNOW He loves me and is taking care of me. No one...and I mean NO ONE can convince me other wise.

Yes...I was 'supposed' to leave.....at least I believe so. But just like I have stayed in the established church to make other people happy, even when I knew it was wrong for me, I would have stayed in this marriage too. I would have. If you think I should have, after I've been honest with you about my own needs, then what I realize is...you never loved me or cared about me. One thing that leaving did was show me that the unconditional love that I feel like I have for people, was not shown to me. I may not agree with the choices that other people make in their lives but I still love them and accept them into mine whether they make the choices I think they should make or not.

You made the statement to me, Virginia, that you did not want Denis to be involved with your family or your children. Who ever said that HE wanted to BE involved with ANY of you? I don't condone some of the things that he said but let's face it, he was attacked first. He came into our house and our lives and SERVED us. It was the family that went after HIM, not the other way around. When he finally got upset with Dad there was very good reason. He was sticking up for himself, but he was also sticking up for me. Dad was lying at every turn and even admitted that he 'should be more honest'. Maybe some of the things Denis said were inappropriate but he TRIED to be NICE and got stomped on. The minute Craig came over, the only time he ever actually met Denis, all he could see was that Denis was playing Queen on the stereo and had tattoos. Big frikkin' deal. And this man expects to be in MINISTRY to his generation with this kind of judgment trailing behind him? Methinks the MTV generation is going to have a serious problem listening to anything he has to say. There is a reason that Denis listened to me when I talked about God when he came......it's because, at least in person, I don't come off as some 'holier than thou' Christian like the average church goer does. He has told me that if I did he never would have given his heart to the Lord.

If I am going to be judged by my family for the choice of people that I allow into my life then so be it. I will live under that judgement and they can live under God's. I know that Dad has not liked it that I had guy friends on the blogstream. I guess I would have cared more if he had liked ANY of my girlfriends either. I couldn't even talk to anyone on the phone without him telling me later that he was 'jealous' of the time I spent with them....but when did HE want to talk to me? CNN was always waiting, wasn't it? The one thing I love about my comfified apartment is that I don't have a working TV yet. I'm sure I will at some point but that day hasn't come yet and I'm not in a huge hurry for it to happen.

Whatever happens, please know this....I love you all with all of my heart. You have been my life all of my adult life. My grandchildren are my heart and you all know that more than anyone. If you refuse to give them the only thing I have to offer them at this time, there is nothing I can do about it. God told me to make the effort and I have. I will continue to. If you choose to send my little offerings back, the way Liza did, so be it. Amen. Do what is right in your own eyes.

My life is not easy now...but it is MY life. I will owe no man anything but to love. I love you all....I love Dad....I love everyone in NY who persists in gossiping about me. And don't be deceived, it IS getting back to me even in the Great American Mid-West. Crazy, huh? Yesh, that's how I would describe my life of late. Crazy. Not mentally ill. Just crazy, man.

I love you all,

Mom

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"It's never too late to be what you might have been." George Eliot ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "I'd rather believe while I'm alive and die to find out I'm wrong than not to believe at all. Living in the light of the Lord on this earth is worth it even if there is no Heaven." (I know there is though so let's not even get into THAT discussion!) Constance Rockwell Cooke