The revelations about some relationships with people whom I have esteemed (far) above every other relationship in the whole wide world have boggled my mind lately and set me on a path for the rest of my life from which I can now never turn back.

When I made the choice to leave my marriage, I knew that my children would be hurt and confused. I felt bad about that. We were not people to expose ourselves too much, even to the children. Truth be told, there are few, if any, on this earth who know the true intricacies of my long-term marriage....

It has only been since I have done this thing that my eyes have been opened to the truth of not only how my own mother and four sisters feel about me, but how my very own children feel about me too.

I've never expected to receive a lot of love back from any of my children. A little common respect and decency would have been nice though. When one of my daughters clothed herself in the name "Foxy Lady" recently and slipped around the blogstream and the questionstream spreading lies, gossip and slander (she still has not spoken directly to me about anything since her father and I separated) I was so stunned that I thought for SURE that it COULDN'T have been one of my kids, to the point that I falsely accused another blogger (who was hurt at the time), something that I am eternally sorry for. The lack of respect this daughter showed toward me, and the things that she said, based only on family gossip, not on truth, still shocks me, even to this day, when I allow myself to think about it.

Then this happened.

I will allow Vision to share the details. The title of this piece is:

"You'd Rather WHAT?!?" (How The Prideful Fall...)


Yesterday, Hope and I were Shown Evil... After everything people have been throwing at us recently, after All the "Darkness" that has been slung upon us, we both Saw the Hypocrisy that is the Foundation for those who Condemn.

I had already been Shown this particular (and Deeply-hidden) Evil the night before... I SAW it coming, and I told Hope that (depending on Her Choice,) I would need to Move out. She didn't understand at first, and-rightfully So... I didn't go in to Detail, because Detail can Affect Choices, and (as I keep Trying to tell Everyone)- "It's ALL About The CHOICES;" so for me to say anything BUT; "I need to get a place of my Own" could have (and WOULD have) affected the outcome of Many things...

This Evil-this Truth that I had Known for quite some time Wasn't Evil from Afar... It wasn't "long distance," it Wasn't "from a stranger,"- instead, (and Sadly) it was as Close as Hope's own Heart.

Hope's son, (a "Theology" Major who is also getting a degree in Teaching, and is a Self-professed "Man of God,) had (during an argument several weeks before) openly and Proudly said that "a woman Cannot be "Raped" in Any way if she is married to her husband because "the woman's body BELONGS TO her husband (according to Scripture...")

THAT in Itself was what God used to open the "Door" for me in to his Spirit; and I was able to "step into" him and "See" what he was Really all about Beneath his deceptive Cloak of "Godliness." I told Hope Then what I had Seen Inside of him, and had Warned her of his True Darkness; but-because Hope HAS Hope and Love and a Strong Desire to Continue to have both of those when it comes to others (especially "family;") she was just too Close to it to see, and there was really nothing I could Do at the time except tell her what I was Supposed to tell her, and Wait for God to Show her in His Own Way...

Saturday night, after talking with her son about the current situation involving the family, he confessed to us that (he) would rather live with Hope and me than to live with his dad (for many different reasons). As SOON as Hope and I got back to the other house, everything Dark about her son came like a Flash to me; and I KNEW that if Hope Decided to allow her son to stay with us, I would have No Choice BUT to leave, because I simply Cannot be around THAT kind of Darkness-thus; my telling her I would need to get my own apartment.

The next morning, however; God Decided to Intervene and put a Stop to MY leaving by Exposing her son's TRUE colors in front of Hope, myself, Hope's soon-to-be ex-husband, and one of her adopted daughters. As Hope, her former husband and I argued about her former husband's Lies, Treacheries, Deceit, and flat-out Crap he was pulling, and Exposing the reasons Behind all of it; her son showed up, and (once Again) involved him SELF in what was going on.

Hope tried telling him what his dad was REALLY up to, and how he had Admitted to All of it right to her face, and All her son could do was get on his high-horse, become self-righteous and Pious, and tell Hope (his own mother) that Divorce is "Never Acceptable" to God-(even though her son has Never BEEN married, and still lives at home at 29 years old...)

Hope told her son that if she Hadn't decided to divorce, she would have ended up doing something like going on a "Fast"- only instead of just abstaining from food, as she normally does for long periods of time when she fasts, she wouldn't drink liquids either-something she would have been able to accomplish easily because NO ONE in her "family" would ever Think about HER long enough to even Notice; and she would have just slowly slipped away for Good. She knew that this was wrong to think but it's the truth.

She then asked her son point-blank; "Isn't divorce BETTER than my Death?" and (without even a Second passing) her son rose up, became Visibly Threatening, and yelled; "I'd RATHER you DIE than get divorced!!!"

WOW.... From his OWN Self-Righteous, "God-Loving" "I want to be a Preacher" mouth...

There are FAR too many other details about her son to go in to-let's just SAY that he has MANY problems-Including SEVERE Rage and Intolerance when Anyone says Anything the LEAST bit Contradictory to what HE "Believes in;". The fact that He CONFESSED that he would "prefer the Death of his OWN Mother" to her getting Divorced speaks VOLUMES about what's REALLY in his Heart and Spirit-and he WILL be Judged Accordingly FOR it.

I, personally, don't know HOW he expects ANYONE to allow him to "teach" Anyone-Especially with his Uncontrolled Rages, Delusions, VERY Profuse moments of Reality Loss, and his Overall Sense of Self-Righteousness; but I CAN tell you that ANY son who CLAIMS to be such a "Man of God" who Yells out that he WISHES his mother would DIE instead of divorcing the man who has treated her badly for the past 36 years is NOT the kind of "Man of God" I would EVER want to see being Allowed to teach, or Preach, to Anyone, at Any time, for Any reason...

And Hope and I are the ones who are "doing a Bad thing???" Methinks this entire "family" are Really nothing More than a Den of Selfish, Spoiled Vipers-and from what I've "Seen" and witnessed in Person-they ALL have a LOT to Answer for. I PRAY they See the Light in Time...
Love and Peace to All
Vision

This is something I posted March 13, 2006. I've decided that it is very pertinent for this day. With all my faults and weaknesses, being underhanded isn't one of them. In fact, I'm generally told that I'm TOO open. In the case of my recent life choices, I have been nothing but honest and forthright with everyone involved, even to the point of being judged more by what I've said, than what I haven't.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gossip and its more evil cousin Slander, are two of the most detrimental sins in the Body of Christ today. They have caused more dissension, more broken hearts and more destruction to the church as a whole and the individual than probably anything else ol' Lucifer could have found in his bag of tricks.

On a recent post, a blogger quoted Socrates in saying that “the unexamined life is not worth living”. I agree. Without periodic self-examination, a principle taught in all AA-groups but should be taught to all people everywhere, we continue to move forward in our lives yet not get ahead. We can own everything and have all that the world has to offer, but if we just blindly keep shoving our way past people without a thought of who they are and what they mean in our lives, I believe we come to the end of our lives harboring bitterness, resentment, unforgiveness and cynicism inside. It would behoove all of us to examine ourselves, our lives, and our hearts often....at least before we begin to condemn another.

I have met SO many bitter old people, Christians and non-Christians alike, and have come to realize that the problem did not start when they got old. It started when they were much younger and never got over the issues they had with others. Now all they can do is talk about how this one and that one hurt them, continuing to gossip, even using names, even into their old age.

It may seem justified to hold resentment when someone has truly hurt you, yet we are commanded to cast all of our burdens on the One Who cares for us. When we fail to do that, and hang onto the grievance, even if the other person was truly wrong, it eats at the very fiber of our being. We need to get rid of it, if only for the sake that we will lose our intimacy with God, if for no other reason. Get rid of it, get RID of it, GET RID OF IT.

In our society today gossip is not looked at as the evil that it really is. From the famous female comedian spouting, “Can we talk?” to the women around the table wanting “to dish” or gloating and bragging that they have some “new dirt” it’s all the same thing…..it’s all gossip. While Christian women may do it, at least they are generally convicted about it and know that it is wrong. The world has a very lax attitude about it and even revels in it. Half of all TV shows and magazines are dedicated to this very thing!

Christians still do it though, don't they? They might mask it as a "prayer request" when they give way more info than was needed but it's all the same thing.

I questioned God about the problem of gossip and have listened for a long time to get His answers. I don’t claim to have every answer but I have some thoughts that He has given me.

The Bible is clear that if one talks too much they will eventually sin with their mouth. All of us need to watch our speech but that can be difficult to impossible without a CHANGE OF HEART. As a “talker”, myself, I have taken seriously the Proverb that says, “In the multitude of words there lacketh not sin”. Yet, I have found that even seemingly quiet people can be very evil in their speech not to mention their facial expressions (there IS some truth the term “dirty look”). Even our countenances can convey our feelings, sometimes better than words. We learn over the years to hide behind our words, but the tone of voice, eye contact, or lack thereof, give us other clues.

The principle, God has shown me, behind all speech is our heart. Whether we talk a lot or not, if we harbor things in our hearts and do not “examine” and clean ourselves out, emotionally and spiritually, on a regular basis, we WILL say and do things that we regret. I know that I have so I have to believe that other's do too.

The Bible says that “out of the heart the mouth speaks”. So, if our speech is evil it means our heart is evil. Have you ever been in the situation where you said something you “didn’t mean to say”? Or someone else said something to or about you that they “didn’t mean to say”? Well, this is what I have to say about that….yes, you did, yes they did.

Saying something the ‘wrong way’, or the person misunderstanding is different. That is a circumstance where in the former case the person said it in a way that came across different than they meant. In the latter, the other person took something wrong and it isn’t the fault of how the person said it.

But those supposed “Freudian slips” and other occasions when some bit of sarcasm comes out with a piece of that person’s truth attached to it, in those cases it can be safely assumed that the thought was harboring in that persons heart and mind, probably for quite a while. They may not ever have said it, but it was still there.

So, the answer to this problem is not to talk less, but to keep your heart cleared out regularly. As soon as some garbage rears it’s ugly head, repent. Quickly. While repentance may involve some saying of 'I'm sorry', what it really means is 'to turn'. To make a 180 degree turn.

People seem to think that other people who talk too much shouldn’t do that and Christians, in particular, have this idea that we need to be very quiet and unobtrusive all the time. Anyone can disagree with me if they like, but I am convinced that this is not what God is saying.
I think that God loves the bubbly and talkative person just as much as the quieter ones and I think we need to stop shoving our pre-conceived notions about that down each other's throats. The issue isn't how MUCH we talk, it's about what we SAY.

It was only after God clearly showed me that this is the way He wanted me to be (talkative) and I accepted it as His will, that He began to use me in the life of teenagers. He could only do that though after I learned the part about keeping my heart cleared out from bitterness. It is interesting to note that teenagers LOVE to be talked with, even or maybe especially by adults!, but they DESPISE being talked AT, talked down to, or lectured. Well, gee, SO DO I...... what a revelation! If we can find our way clear to treating them like a person and not like a child, it goes a long way in establishing a friendly relationship that is open to dialogue.

As an adult, if you can somehow find that netherland (it is almost impossible with your OWN children, btw, others are MUCH easier) that bridges the gap of the generations and talk to them openly, without the judgment that so many adults show young people and the rejection that children give their parents, one realizes that teenagers aren’t so different from us after all.

However, what God has shown me is not that He wanted me to talk LESS but that He wanted to CHANGE what I talked about. He wanted to fill my mouth with the Word, with faith, and with love.

I would like to make it clear that being a talker does not mean I was a gossiper. I have always had something of a sensitivity to that. I am not saying that I have been totally exempt from it but I guess I’m always more interested in talking about my self and the other person I am with than to engage in dialogue about a third party. As mothers, however, we need to be careful that in our zeal for our family and children that we do not allow ourselves, even unwittingly, to gossip about THEM. That has been more of an issue for me than talking about my neighbors or fellow Christians.

As talkers and writers, however, it makes it is imperative that we keep our heart right before the Lord. If I don’t keep my heart clear, I will still talk too much, and not about the things of heaven, but about earthly things. I will talk about my problems but not about the solutions and forgiveness that has been shown to me from God and I have and still need to show to others.

That is the core of love, isn’t it, forgiveness? I am not implying that we should not ‘talk out’ our problems….in fact, that is the way I have solved most of mine. What I am referring to is the on-going, never-ending gabbing without ever actually DOING anything about it. I think of the verse, “Be doers of the Word, not hearers only”.

As for gossip, I have often wondered why women seem to be much more vulnerable to doing that and to listening to it. There is something so attractive about it but what is it? People say that it is because the gossiper is insecure and by gossiping about someone else it makes them feel better about themselves. Are not men insecure too? Don’t men need that ego-boost that comes from a tasty bit of juicy gossip? I’m not saying a man can’t be a gossip, but the vast majority I have met are not. Maybe it is true, that gossip makes the gossiper feel better (it always gave me the feeling that I need to take a shower) but I believe that God has shown me that the reason women have more of a problem with this is because they are natural nurturers.

I know that may seem incongruous, doesn’t it, gossip and nurturing? bout it this way. We talk about what we think about. If we are thinking about people all the time we will talk about people. What is good can become bad. We need to eat, but in some of us it becomes gluttonous. We need to drive cars but for some of us who have the ‘need for speed’ (oops!) it becomes dangerous. Medicine is a good thing and can help us in many ways but if we overdose or abuse that medication it can hurt us.

As nurturers we are constantly thinking about, caring for, and tending to the needs of others. It is our God given ability as wives and mothers, and a firm attribute of our gender. The problem comes in when we begin to speak out of the thoughts that consume our minds and our hearts and all of a sudden we are saying things that we shouldn’t be. Men are not exempt from this, but it is definitely something that women struggle with more because of their orientation toward people.

The issue, truly, is not just to try to control our tongue. Brother James tells us that is almost impossible anyway. The issue is to keep a clean and repentant heart toward the Lord, then we won’t have to worry so much what comes out if we “get talking’. If we can do THAT, it is my contention that most of the garbage in the church and in the world at large can be cleaned up. selah.

This is something that I've been thinking of for the past few days. I'm not putting it out there as some kind of justification for anything because I'm not justifying or excusing my behavior. Please don't take that the wrong way. I'm not apologizing for it either. Sorry for any offense that someone might take at this statement, but I don't think I have anything to apologize for to anyone in my whole life. Even my former husband.

I mean....I know for a FACT that I am not perfect. I have a friend who used to tell me, "I don't need anyone to point out my faults and weaknesses...I know them intimately". How true that is. I can be a little moody...I have a major upside and a serious downside, neither one of which has seriously hindered my life one way or the other. I've had a terrible fear of failure that I had to overcome and did not do so until almost middle age. I have always been shy and even somewhat introverted, in spite of the "bubbliness" that came over me as an adult. My mother has told me many times that as a child I was "rambunctious" but not talkative at all. That shyness did not come across as shy after I grew up and learned how to relate better to people. It was still under there though, making me nervous in certain situations and giving me fairly severe stomach problems at different times because of the way I internalized the stress of it.

At the same time, what am I supposed to "apologize" for? Being faithful physically and even mentally to my former husband for 36 years? I mean, SERIOUSLY! I don't want to sound pious...God KNOWS I don't, but lust was never one of those things that I struggled very much with. I'm not saying I'm better than anyone else. I'm just saying that sex, the act of it, the thought of it, was never a huge deal to me one way or the other. That's not to say that I wasn't satisfied in my marriage or that my former husband wasn't. There is a reason why we were BOTH faithful all of these years. What I'm saying is that, I have taken some flack recently for being an "adulterer". For one thing, I think people might have a different perception of what that means to me as what it means to them. Jesus said that even the "thought" of it is like doing it. Okay, so finally, after all of these years of not having any untoward thoughts like that, I did. I admit it then. I'm an adulterer. I had a thought. Lot's of them. I kissed a man who I'm not married to. So...since you can't sue me for that, judge me instead. Be careful what you judge beyond that, my friends. Be very careful. For with the measure that you judge it shall be measured back to you.

If I ever fantasized about another man all of these years, and my former husband knows this because I told him, it is not because I wanted a better looking man, a more romantic man, a smarter man, or a man who made more money. What I wanted...what I CRAVED...was a man who truly loved me, inside and out, wanted to know me and be known by me, and who loved God more than he loved me. That's it. That's all of it. I stayed with him because I felt I was "supposed to", and in the end, looking back, I WAS supposed to. Look at what we were able to accomplish together! Look at the fruit of our life together! It was GOOD, right? We took what could have been a horrendous problem and made something good out of it. At the risk of sounding corny, we took some of the lemons of our relationship and made lemonade, you know? Isn't that a GOOD thing? Well, I always thought so anyway.

Sometimes, there comes a time when you need to prune back a fruitful vine, isn't there? Not just me....everyone involved. I know I keep saying this, and I know it's getting old and tired, but whether anyone wants to believe this or not, my former husband is HAPPIER now. You should see him in his new clothes, talking about getting a motorcycle for himself and taking all the plane rides that he knew I wasn't that interested in. I always wanted the camper. I'll go by air, I don't care, it's just not how I saw my golden years. Our interests are so different and varied. He is free now. Maybe more than I am. The kids, apart from the gossip they love to spread at times (this has always been an issue in my family...see, tol' ya we weren't perfect), are HAPPIER now than they were. Remember Barbie? Remember when she left in November under such a cloud of disapproval from us? I didn't know if we would EVER see her again! We have seen so much more of her lately and while none of us really can wrap our mind around the fact that she is with this almost 40 yr. old man, we are finding reconcilation. My situation is requiring some of the same openness of mind so I guess I'm getting a taste of my own medicine, huh? Let it never be said that POH can't see the irony in her 20/20 eyeglasses.

The point I am trying to make is that the family is doing BETTER not worse since this has happened. It may not seem that way at the moment but one must remember that there were problems, pretty bad ones, before this. Not so much between my former husband and me...we kept those under wraps so well that one of the kids living at home said to me, "I never saw this coming". In a way, that should be a good thing, right?

Yes, I have children who not only won't talk to me or take my phone calls but have not spoken directly to me since they found out about this whole thing. They are judging the situation, even to the point of harassing other bloggers on the blogstream by sending them PM's, but they have NEVER spoken to me directly, even to this day. Yeah, that sounds like they got their spirituality together to me....not.

I have a blogging friend who I felt extremely close to, and has PM'd me in the past three months about how much they miss me over at their blog since I haven't been on so much. They haven't spoken directly to me, by e-mail, PM or phone but have specifically asked me not to visit their blog anymore and have blocked me. The vehemence of this person's judgment shocked me a little but not any worse than my mother and four sisters who told me that I am no longer welcome at their homes. Humph. And to think that two of my sisters have been divorced, one twice, and for the second one, adultery on her part. Alrighty then.

Apparently the issue with me is that I have professed to be a CHRISTIAN and they haven't. When they started telling me what they think GOD has to say about this though, that is where I had to back up ...let's just say that the hypocrisy was deafening to my ears....it was making it hard for me to hear what they are saying. "What God are you talking about?" I asked. "The God you have told me for years to shut up about? The God you have so loudly proclaimed not to believe in?"

Well, if you are talking about THAT God, then let it be said that whatever your opinion about POH and the choices that she is making for her life is not more important to me than what HE has to say about it. I already know that God hates divorce. I also know that He hates abortion. How many so-called Christians have had one of THOSE, hmmmm? I also know that He hates back-stabbing, two-faced gossipers, in my family and on the blogstream who have nothing better to do than sit around on their computers and plan evil in their hearts. He who is without sin, let him be the first one to cast a stone at me.

My peace is made with God, if not with some people who wish I would do THEIR will. I'm sorry if this is offensive to some....just my way of saying that I care about you, I truly do, but I'm going to live my life the way I see fit and if you choose to hold that against me, when you claim to love an all-forgiving God, then I will leave you to your own heart and mind. The issue isn't really whether what I did that offended you (even though it wsa not done to YOU) was wrong, the issue is what will you do with the offense?

It's all about the choices, baby.

"Leave him alone for a while", the Bishop said to Monica, "only pray God for him; he will of himself, by reading, discover what that error is, and how great it's impiety. Go thy way, and God bless thee, for it is not possible that the son of these tears should perish"
The Bishop to Monica

"God drew my soul out of the profound darkness because of my mother who wept on my behalf more than most mothers weep when their children die. Thou heardest her, O Lord. Thou heardest her, and despisedest not her tears, when pouring down, they watered the earth under her eyes in every place where she prayed; yea, Thou heardest her."
Augustine refering to his mother Monica

"God is not so much concerned with the greatness of one's work as the love with which it is done" Teresa of Avila

Some may think that I have "left" my family. That is sooo not true. The fact of the matter is that I am still in the area, less than walking distance away, available for anything they need. If they choose to avail themselves of me I am here, as I always have been. If they don't, that is their doing, not mine.

Among all the accusations that have been hurled my way lately, the one thing that no one can accuse me of, is not loving my family. My former husband....my children....they got all of me all these years. While I had little part time jobs at different times during my marriage, I really had no interest in a career at all. The fact that I wanted to do Foster Care, which pays very little (I figured it out once that it came to about 33 cents an hour) should say something about where my priorities have always been. They still continue to be there. I love children, my own and others, and I always will.

I have cried many tears for my children. For their well-being, their safety, their salvation. While I would like it if certain of them cared enough to talk to me right now, rather than judging me and gossiping behind my back about me, I will just continue to do for them what I have always done. Pray that our Father....our REAL Father....would keep them in His all-loving hand and bring them to Heaven when their time here is done. It would be nice if they would at least talk to me ONCE, just to hear what I have to say about my own life, but I realized a LONG time ago that children don't love their parents with the same unconditional love that parents love their children with. It's like a universal law or something. Now that two of my children have their own children, maybe they can understand that principle. Sooo, it's okay. It is oh-oh-kay.

Just so that everyone is clear about one thing. My recent choice did not "break up" the family. The family was already broken. I'm not talking about my marriage....I'm talking about my kids. Nothing I did then seemed to make too much difference. Staying in my marriage...living in that house....is not going to change anything. In fact, whether anyone chooses to believe it or not, things are actually better now....not worse. People need to start judging things by the fruit, not by their pre-conceived notions and outward appearance.

The choices I have made do not negate my salvation. Whether anyone chooses to agree with what I've done is of little to no concern to me. I'm sorry if that offends some. I've always been that way though. I WANT people to be pleased with me, but sometimes, especially in the past 15 years I've had to make hard choices and God has carried me through each and every one.

I hope that if you are TRULY concerned about me that you will do what my beautiful sister-in-law did when I talked to her on the phone about this one day. She was so very hurt about the news and felt some regret that she and her Pastor husband didn't do more for us. She listened to me, and her love shone through. She still doesn't agree with what I've done, but I can feel her love for me even now as I write this. That's all I'm really asking....that if anyone truly professes to love me and care about me, then they will come to ME to discuss my life...and not go around discussing it with every one else and their brother. I can even handle the mis-placed outrage....if they come to me. If they don't, then I have to assume that they never loved me to start with. Funny how things like this really show you who your true friends are....who your true family is.