Just a short message to let you know that I am still alive and on the planet.

I have decided to leave where I am and go somewhere else. Not that where I am is bad....on the contrary, it is quite good. I have grown to like it alot. There is a time to stay and a time to leave though and this is one of those times to do the latter. I will miss some of the friends I have made here but I am on my way to being with some old friends, and making more friends and actually beginning to start my life anew. I thought that I could do that here but I was wrong. It was a little detour, so to speak, but detours can be good, you know. They show you parts of the landscape that you would not have otherwise seen.

I'm one of those people who really don't need alot. Really. I always knew that I could live the rest of my life in a small camper. That was taken from me, so my dreams have changed course a little bit, but it just goes to show you that the little girl who wore white gloves, hat, and black patent leather shoes to Sunday School can still rough it with the best. I'm a little weary at the moment but I can still "Get up offa that thing" with James when I want to. Maybe a little uncertain, but life is good...and full...and sweet.

Again, to those of you who pray...please pray for me. Please. For those of you who don't, you're seriously missing out......... seriously.

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From my Calebson:

Connie Cooke is in motion. I got a phone call from her today that changes a lot of things. From there I think I ended up on the phone with more than seven different people just moving people around, checking, explaining, creating movement in a dozen or so people a thousand miles away… making it all work.

The short form is that personally: I made a lot of phone calls and spoke a lot of very serious words and I feel as though I have the planet’s longest arms because it feels like I’m reaching across these thousand miles and merely brushing her across the plains toward safety.

The honest form is… I can’t believe what this has come to. This is… full circle. This is ridiculously wide… I’m here in NY, but you know what? I am in so many places.

We’re going to build Connie a home and she’s going to live hard and free and well. She told me about what it is… how she can’t believe what it’s come to, what she is now. What they’ve done.

I told her “None of that exists now. It never happened, it never was, you never knew them. Everything from this moment on is completely new. You had no life before this. You’ve only just been born.”

We’re taking you home today. You’re being placed in the loving arms of those who will love and support you as you’ve never known before. God has you, and I want you to rest in the peace of knowing that no matter what happens now, you’re to be cared for.

Welcome home, Ms Rockwell.

Just a short update for those who may care......

Things are going swimmingly....(tee-hee...did you catch that? Swimm-ing-ly?....okay...okay...so I'm a dork). I am even swimming again! Yay for me, right?

So much to tell you all about the wonderful ways that God is taking care of me but I will save that for another time. I do miss my family...particularly my grandchildren...but that's okay. "That's okay" is my new pet phrase these days. Like, I lost something today and I just said, "Welp, that's okay!" See? Like it's all going to burn anyway, so what is there to be worried about?

Let's face it, verses about not worrying about tomorrow are starting to mean alot more to me these days. I mean, heck, tomorrow may never come anyway....and if it does, well then, it will just give me an opportunity to see how God is going to work again in my life. The miracles just never seem to stop coming. Like, get this one...I just bought a bag of raw SHRIMP the other day! I know...Food Stamps are AWESOME, aren't they? I also was able to buy some pants too since 90% of my clothes were left on the camper that was never given back to me. Denis' clothes and art supplies were on there too but that is oh-oh-kay too because I know that God is taking care of him too and I have promised myself that when I can I will reimburse him for what my family took from him.

Well, except for the part about my loved ones not wanting to talk to me (I called one of my daughters tonight and her husband didn't even recognize his own mother-in-law's voice...can you believe that? and she never called me back) I am actually doing extremely well. I am taking care of business, still getting to swim when I want to, meeting new people who actually seem like they care about me, and even eating shrimp.....wow, I know......I can't speak for anyone else but God luh-uh-uh-vvv ME, baby. I'm sorry if certain people think I should be "suffering" because of my "backslidden condition"....apparently God doesn't see it that way and I was never much interested in everyone else's opinions anyway. Some of them are just such "monumental lies", you know what I mean?

Anyway, if you think about me, I would appreciate a little prayer here and there. For those who don't, that's okay, you never did anyway. For those who do...you are appreciated more than you will ever know.

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This is the last post that I am going to leave on this blog before I deactivate for, at the very least, a while.

It came to my attention today that a fellow blogger, who shall remain nameless, even though I was not given that same courtesy, devoted an entire blog post to my 'situation' a couple of weeks ago. The excuse this blogger used for this behavior was that two of my children had contacted her via PM and she was merely informing me of that when I accused her of being a busybody and blogstream gossip. Because I blocked her from my blog she felt that she had the right to discuss, some people might call it gossip about, my situation on her own blog since she was no longer welcome to talk about it at mine. This, from a blogger who has not commented on my blog in many, many months. Yes, I get that you are suddenly 'concerned' for me. Please save it...I don't need the concern of someone who claims they don't fight their blogstream battles via PM's. Excuse me? And just WHO informed one of my favorite bloggers, one who has now blocked me without the benefit of any explanation, via PM about the fracas over at Questionstream? In spite of his action, I still trust him more than I do the one I have come to know as a blogstream busybody and buttinsky.

Why would this person, after pretty much ignoring me and not leaving comments on my blog for almost a year, suddenly have such concern for me? I am at a loss. She contends that she was just telling me to get the advice of a lawyer and stop turning to the blogstream for 'advice'. To that I say, your reading comprehension is faulty.

And just HOW am I supposed to 'get a lawyer' with NO CAR, NO PHONE, AND NO MONEY! What part of that scenario did you not get? As for the second point...I am not so ignorant that I would go to people like yourself for 'advice'. Are you high? My blog posts are documentation. I have been told by another blogger whom I considered a close friend that what I am writing is "ugly" and I should stop it and stop it now. Gee, I'm sorry, my old friend, that I am not perky, bubbly Little POH right now. I'm also sorry that you feel that publicly calling my family out for their actions is not the right thing to do. I will remind you that they started it by coming on the questionstream and by PMing commenters on my blog. The blogger who used me as her blog post of the day seems to be under the impression that she and maybe one other person were PM'd. That is so not true.

I know for a fact that my good friend Heide was PM'd and she handled the whole thing with the tact and grace that I have come to expect from her. She left supportive comments for me at my blog, told me privately that she was praying for me, and did not continue writing to my family, even to tell them how wrong they are.

Another blogger, over at the blog in question, left a comment speculating on what denomination my family might be involved in. Wesleyan? Are you nuts? Just what part of 'tongues-speaking' did you miss in my frequent blog posts about MYSELF? The last I knew, the Wesleyan church, which is an off-shoot of Methodist, does NOT preach anything like THAT. Yes, I was "kicked out" of a church about seven years ago. A small "word of faith" style church where the pastor was doing unscrupulous things with money and he knew I knew about it. This same blogger, who has never made any bones about how she feels about me, also feigned concern for me several weeks ago when she followed her pattern of writing out long and tiresome comments and then copying and pasting them on any blog and blog post that she can think of. She told me that she was very concerned that the fellow blogger I had taken into my home was an "abusive" man. Wait a minute....now, just HOW do you know this? Have you spoken to him? Do you know him at ALL?

Another blogger, formerly a very good friend of mine, agreed with her and told me that she could no longer communicate with me. Why then does she continue to e-mail me long messages full of rumor and mistakes? In a comment at the first bloggers post she claimed to have "spoken with" me a couple of times, but that is a lie. I called her at one point and she NEVER returned my phone call. We had several PM's but she, at no time, spoke to me. Her initial communications were so full of pre-judgment that I felt incapable of dealing with it at the time. Now, this very same blogger wrote to me last night and told me that "of course my family would LOVE Denis since he came in and cooked for us". Wait a minute....what part of 'abusive' should my family fall in LOVE with, hmmmmm? Is he abusive, or is he kind and loving? You can't have it both ways. I personally think you should shut your two-faced mouth. I didn't ask for your opinion then, I'm not asking for it now, and I will not ask for it in the future. You have not heard a word I've said, or you have seen it through the lens of your own experience, and I don't trust your judgment at all.

You mentioned Caleb's post.......I would like to make it clear that Caleb's feelings come not only from spending time with our family but he has also experienced, at a young age, the divorce of his own parents. HE is the one whose judgment I trusted then, trust now and will continue to trust in the future. If that doesn't set right with you, sorry, it's my life, isn't it?

As for the relationship between Denis and me...there seems to be some misunderstanding. I made it clear on my blog, and he made it clear on the questionstream, that while we were close and even had some 'feelings' for each other, that we had NOT had a physical relationship. I know, that's SO impossible for you all to believe, isn't it? In a response to a question on the questionstream he responded that he hasn't had a physical relationship with ANYONE, including his wife, for many months. What part of this are you people not getting? People seem to like to bandy about the fact that we lived at one of the lakehouses alone together for over a month. This was because the children, each of whom were asked to stay with us, went, of their own volition, (because we were 'annoying' re: previous post), to live with my husband. So, being 'alone' at the house was OUR fault?

Again, I am not posting all of this to ask advice although I have appreciated most of the advice that I have gotten. Yes, I am still struggling, in spite of the fact that there are four lawyers in our respective families. Two on my side, two on the other. None either live in NY state, or close enough to help. My brother in law told me in the beginning that the easier one can make the divorce, the less it will cost. That is exactly WHY I gave my husband the option of a camper and $12,000 a year. He agreed to that at first but then must have talked to someone because he started turning off credit cards, debit cards, cell phones, internet cards and stealing all the vehicles from me. Oh, did I tell you how the locks were changed on two of the three houses we own together? This is legal? I think not. Yet, what lawyer is going to take me with no money? Please don't answer that...I have one in the process.

In the end, money was never that important to me anyway. I am sleeping on a brand new twin size (for those gossipers out there who were wondering) air mattress at the moment and LOVING it. At long last I am free to be me and it feels awesome.

The only people I miss, in my whole entire life, are my three grandchildren. I may never see any of them again unless their selfish, vindictive parents change their minds about this so-called 'shunning' (and to think I thought only the Amish and Mennonites do that) they are perpetrating on me.

I have the little tiles that Virginia "Foxy Lady" made for me last Christmas, with their pictures on them lined up near my little bed so that I can see them and pray for them every night. You guys can be mad at me all you want, but you never took the time to actually talk to me since this whole thing started, even though I made a point of calling both of you (more than once).

One thing you have no control over is the love I feel for my grandchildren. It's like a universal law of grandparenthood. You can't stop the love, baby. In Ryan's case, I know for a fact that he will never forget me and what I did for him for a solid school year and beyond. All those sleepovers at the Lima House and the Long Point cabin are imbedded in his little mind and heart. I know, no matter what lies he is told about me, that he knows the love I have for him and that nothing, nothing, nothing can take that away. As for Christina and Ashlyn....I'm not so sure they will remember me as well, but I know that when I am in heaven with them I will know them, no matter what age they are, and they will know me.

I am the prisonerofhope for a reason. My hope is the one thing that no one can steal from me. You didn't give it to me and you can't take it away. Just remember one other thing Liza and Virginia....God did not give Ryan, Ashlyn and Christina just to you. They were given to all of us. I've heard it said that they come through us, but they are not of us. They are on loan from God, and not just for YOUR good pleasure. For His. If you keep them from me, and tell them lies about me, you will have to account to God for that.

One last point I would like to make before closing this out...I DID NOT REFUSE PASTORAL CORRECTION. My husband asked if I would go to marriage counseling with him (funny how I had mentioned that YEARS ago and he was NOT interested) and I said that I would talk to his brother who is a pastor and his wife. I couldn't make it on the day when it was first planned, and by the time I could I was already being starved and cut off from the outside world. People who don't know all the facts need to shut up. If I don't sound like the sweet, innocent Little POH that you have all become accustomed to, well, we all grow up sometime, don't we?

I loved you, Tom.

I LOVED you.

I loved YOU.

When we got married on May 13, 1972 in that little stone chapel on the hill at Colgate Divinity.........I was madly, passionately, inexplicably, inordinately, crazy-in-love with you. We bought a house and closed on it two weeks before our marriage but I told you then that I would have lived in a cave with you. I adored you beyond the words to say it.

Bit by bit, night after neglected night, you ate away, not only at my passion for you...but my passion for life itself. You stole my joy at every turn, and worse, you not only didn't feel bad about it, you reveled in it. You manipulated me in ways that Denis, the "master-manipulator" as he has been called by all of you, even those of you who have not met him, could not begin to dream of.

I gotta give you credit...you were goooood. Either that, or I was REALLY stooopid. I think it's a combination of the two. You knew how much I loved you. You knew how much I would have done anything for you. You knew, for many years, that you never had to put your foot down with me.

You knew that I would submit to a look on your face.

I not only gave you everything you asked for...I got to the point of giving you what you wanted, even when you didn't ask for it.

I WANTED TO PLEASE YOU.

What took me all of these years to figure out is that there WAS no pleasing you. My only regret is that I didn't figure it out before.

For the first 20 years we were married I didn't drive, have my own credit card, or ask for anything special for myself. If the kids ever heard me cry, or raise my voice to you, they should know that it was because I wanted something for THEM...not for me. I didn't wear make-up, get my hair done, and I wore CRAP for clothes, because you insisted that we didn't have money for any of it. When Ginny needed braces...and I'm not talking about 'wanting' them, I'm saying that she NEEDED them...I LITERALLY got down on my KNEES and BEGGED you for them. I cried. I told you that we should give up our vacation that year. That was how important her teeth were to me. Maybe I ranted a little bit. That's all the kids remember. That Mom rants. But it wasn't for ME. It was always for THEM. You turned your head.

I loved you all, Jenny. I gave myself to you for the past 18 years. I laid my life down for you. Ask anyone who knew me. You and Barbie and Sabrina were all I talked about for years. I'm sorry that you think Denis and I are so "annoying" just because Denis got tired of seeing you sit and watch HIM make dinner while you sat and drank a two liter bottle of orange pop and a bag of chips. As much as you claimed to "love" him at that time, you not only NEVER offered to help him, but when he asked, you whined and griped like a 5 year old. All he wanted was to see you get up off your fat butt and get motivated to do something other than sit around and gossip with Brittany, Sabrina and Brandy. He CARED about you. You were SO proud of yourself that day that you ran along 14A on the way to pick up Sabrina from school but then you used that as something to complain about the two of us the second you got home to Dad who is using this opportunity to spoil you kids with gifts and money in a way that I would never have allowed.

I always thought that love would be enough. I grew up in the sixties, didn't I? All you need is love.......isn't that what John said? Well, that was John Lennon, not John the Revelator, so what does he know anyway?

Love is patient...love is kind...

Well, I wasn't perfect, was I? But at least I tried. At least I TRIED. I'm sorry my love wasn't enough. I'm sorry that I wanted something more for all of you than living on welfare, eating off of Food Stamps, and sitting around on your butts watching TV, eating junk food and watching your weight climb to 300 lbs. by the age of 30. The fact that you, Jenny, not only have finished your first semester of college, before you even graduated from high school...well, I don't want to take credit where it is not due, because you did the actual work yourself, but let's face it...it was my foot that kept kicking you in the butt all these years.

I'm glad your life is so 'wonderful' now, Jenny. I am SO glad that you, and the rest of the family, don't have to be 'annoyed' by that 'bee-yotch' Mom, who saw something of value in you. Maybe Caleb was right. Maybe I invented whatever it was that I saw in all of you. Maybe I needed to see something so that I wouldn't have to to say that I was wasting my time.

All I know is that I LOVED YOU. I still love you. I love you all. I love Dad. I told him that. When he asked who would "take care of" him as he got older, I promised him that I would. All I said was that I didn't want to be married anymore. I never said that I would desert him.

I will no longer allow any of you to manipulate or take advantage of me anymore though. The whole lot of you tried to kill two people. You can blame someone else if you want, but you were ALL in cahoots. Even, or maybe especially, the children who don't live at home. I don't mean to keep picking on Craig, but his voice just keeps playing over and over in my head. You expected it all along, didn't you, my misogynist son-in-law? Even my own so-called mother, the one who wanted to disinherit me for adopting children has taken sides with a man who tried to kill her own daughter. Well, I was always the "slow" one, wasn't I Mom? The one who "needed to be taken care of". You told Tom that, didn't you? That would explain why Tom always treated me more like his child than his wife.

Awww, don't worry Mom...I don't want your money. I never did. All I wanted was you. I've accepted that I will never have that so as far as I'm concerned you can continue to pretend that I died. This blog is proof that I didn't, but I'm sure there is a place you can go in your mind where you can still pretend.

As for the rest of you, you are no longer 'children'...you are adults. It's time to grow up. I never left any of you. Not even Dad. I only left now...because you left me first.

You guys can pretend to know where I am but don't get too comfortable. Wherever you think I am, before you blink, I'll be gone. My God is an awesome God and He is taking care of me every step of the way. You can whore yourself to the 'father' who never paid any attention to you all these years if you want to, because it seems easier right now.

As for me, I'm opting for a Father who will never forsake me. If anyone thinks that I am backslidden, or that God cannot hear my prayers because I am "in sin"...think again. Get another picture of Jesus "the lover of my soul" Christ. I have seen miracles in the past two months that you guys can only DREAM of.

All I can think of now is Tommy's dream. "Stay with Mom", right? Each of you, every single one of you, were given that opportunity...over and over and over and over...and every single one of you chose to do what you are doing. You can't say I didn't wait. I waited TWO MONTHS for someone...ANYONE...to come to me, to call me, to help me. Don't think I didn't see you that day, Jenny, hiding behind the new pink hat that you pulled down over your face, getting into the new car Dad bought so that we wouldn't know it was you. You knew it was me that day and you CHOSE to ignore me.

Am I to be greater than God? The Bible says that if you deny God, He will deny you, right? If you deny me, I will deny you. God does not expect me to do more than what He would do.

Whatever your life is, or purports to be in the future, you have brought this all on yourselves. I'm glad it's 'wonderful' for you, Jenny. So is mine. I'm finally free.

I love you Calebson..............thank you...thank you...thank you. You know, more than anyone except for maybe Denis, how much I loved them. I never claimed to be perfect, did I? I knew I could love though. Then this happened and I questioned, not my love for them, but whether I had shown it enough. But love is a two-way street, isn't it? I know...deep in my heart, Caleb...that I did the best I could do. If it wasn't enough there is nothing more I can say or do. Thank you for this piece. You have blessed me in a way that I can't even describe. And to think that everyone accused me of 'favoring' Jenny. It would appear that even the 'favored' ones don't care..............

For anyone who might be tempted to feel sorry for me....don't worry, it's okay. Denis says I am growing up and has called me a mongoose amid a brood of vipers. My friend Lookin' named me "Stands with Fists".......

I may not be as soft and sweet as I used to be but sometimes growing up demands a little hardening. Romans 8:28 says, "All things work together for good for those who love the Lord and are called according to His purposes". In other words, "It's all good".

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This is Caleb's most recent post on his blog:

I lost a friend today.

I lost several friends. This recent debacle with Connie has left a lot of tension floating about how certain people feel about certain people. I’ve talked with Connie a very small amount lately… What is happening now, to her, is ridiculous and appalling. The woman who was buying and selling and managing a million dollars in real-estate is, not more than one month later destitute, distant, and almost broken working at multiple dismal jobs that I would never take.

I talked to one of her children for the first time since all this began and I wasn’t sure what to say. It was a chat so there was no tone, to voice, no inflection. She asked how I was doing I said I was okay. I asked how she was doing she said that everything was wonderful. I asked why. She said that Connie and Dennis were gone now so the family didn’t have to be annoyed anymore. … I felt the coldest inhuman chill. And I told her. I’m going to have to stop talking to you. I’m ashamed of you. I’m ashamed of your whole family. I’m appalled. And I can’t associate with you anymore. I blocked the poor girl. …

If either side of this mess is reading this post… I don’t know what to say. I think to some extent, human justice would provide it natural for each of you to feel spiteful for what is happening. I wish neither side had to see things like this. And I’m… I’m ashamed. I’m almost furious at some of the things I’ve heard. But most of all I’m saddened. I am absolutely, deeply, horribly saddened that this is what it’s come to.

To the Cooke Family: I understand why she did it. I would even say that it was the right choice in such circumstances as they were and are. I said it to her. And I stand by that. Fully. There’s a massive misunderstanding that robbed you all of good sense and raised tension and anger and hatred. Connie left a marriage. She did not leave her husband. She did not leave her family. She did not lose love for her family. She did not TAKE anything from you. She did nothing to hurt you. NOT TO HURT YOU. Nothing was taken from you but the word “marriage.”

But it annoyed you. And she annoyed you. And he annoyed you. Tom, Mikey, Jenny, Brandy, ALL of you. Hear me: Human beings are not flies that when annoying should be crushed without thought. Human beings are God’s creation. God help you what fairness He intends for your family now. I am afraid… for you all now I am worried… I am hurt to think of what is going to happen now that you’ve batted away your own human decency. Whom among the lot of you weren’t at one time rejected and taken in by her? Which of you were never ANNOYING? Which of you hasn’t been looked down upon and treated like the spit of another human being? Which one of you is so popular that you’re never at want for friends? Who considers you beautiful inside? Who bothers to know you well enough to even LOOK inside? And what has she done to you!?

She saw gold in twisted minds and souls inside your empty eyes! She saw what no one else saw in you and she fed you the LIE that being whatever it is that you are is enough and when there was nothing to see, when there was no one who could find ANYTHING worth ANYTHING in any of you SHE INVENTED something, she CREATED a reason to love you… and if there were nothing else to create, she loved you anyway. There were rough spots, no doubt. Welcome to earth. Welcome to the fact that everyone on this planet is a little dysfunctional. We’re HUMAN. We MAKE mistakes, we rub people the wrong way we DISAGREE on things. It is what it is. You had a person the world was never going to give you two of, someone who’d feign blindness to all your sores and gores and mottled minds and unkempt thoughts and silly fallacious dreams and whines and gripes. You had someone who SAW it. But never reminded you of it, never held it over your heads, and never rejected you.

This is what it is.

The truth of it is that none of you ever deserved her. When she left but said she still wanted to be a part of all of your lives she was holding the golden rod out to Esther.

You fucked her.

You fucked her and God help you all. IF you ever think twice about autonomously jumping through your flattened, thoughtless emotional rings and finally see the circus it’s become and BEG on your KNEES with tears in your eyes for her to come back and be a human being to you all and she agrees to then you’ll have just received the greatest grace you’re capable of sucking out of this cold, barren life save God’s salvation and if she asked me I’d tell her not to do it.

I’m sorry… but you’ve borne your own lives now. You were excellent friends to me, the best. And I loved you all sincerely and I’m crying now… not for what’s happened to her. But because I’m losing you to it. I wish it had happened another way.

To Connie: I guess now we know.

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