"And who is a chosen man that I may appoint over her? For who is like Me? Who will arraign Me? And who is that shepherd Who will withstand Me?" Jer. 50:44 NKJV

This is a comment that I left on Whit's blog way back in 2006. It is one of the few comments that I have ever written that made me cry while writing it. I asked him at that time if I could copy and paste it to my blog and he said yes. Since then I reposted it once. This is the second repost here.

It had meaning for me then....it still has meaning for me now. As things stand at the moment it would appear that my family is no longer speaking to me or wants to have anything to do with me. I didn't say that they weren't tracking my every movement on the blogstream/questionstream...I just said that they refuse to directly talk to me, or correspond with me. My mother and one of my sisters have told me that I am "no longer welcome in their homes" because of the choices I have made. None of my nine children are speaking to me even though the two oldest ones were given an opportunity when I called them several times. They have not spoken to me at all since all of this occurred even though one continues to log in under different names on the questionstream whenever she sees that I am on there. Once I was told by my son-in-law that "no one is talking to you at this time" (very Christian of him, don't you think?) and the other times I left messages that were unreturned. Well, alrighty then........

As for my husband, you have all heard the story either directly from me or through the blogstream gossi.....er, prayer chain. The Reader's Digest version is that he left me, WITH NO VEHICLE, at one of our homes on the lake 10 miles from the town to the north, 15 miles from the town to the west and 30 from the town to the south. Don't ask about the town to the east...that is directly across 4 miles of the deepest lake water in the United States. You DO know what a swimmer POH is, right? Well, May is just a TEENSY bit early for THAT kinna swimming, if you know what I mean. *wink* Along with no vehicle, he shut off my cell phone, which was the only way I had of contacting him or anyone else for that matter, the verizon internet card, the credit card, the debit card, and is still, to this day, giving me no access to money of any kind. Just think! Little POH had to get temporary FOOD STAMPS to suffice for the month of May. What a comeuppance, huh? But wait! How was I able to get to Social Services with no vehicle, hmmmmm?

Let's just leave it that God LOVE POH, baby, and NO ONE, not my mother, not my sisters, not even my supposedly CHRISTIAN family can convince me otherwise. Jesus Christ is not only ALL of my salvation.....He is the true and ONLY Lover of my soul. I always knew that and told people on the blogstream that before. Maybe...just maybe...they believe me now. People keep asking me WHY would I want to leave such a "wonderful" and "kind" man after all of these years of marriage. Maybe they would like to assess what has happened to me since I left, realizing that the ferocity of his vindictiveness was not a surprise to me, even after I offered him everything we owned ($1,000,000 in real estate) if he would just supply me with $1,000 a month for the rest of my life. $12,000 a year....poverty level finances for those of you who weren't sure. Apparently that deal wasn't good enough for him. He wanted to see me STARVE. If that doesn't convince you of the caliber of man I was living with, and why Denis did not, could not, and never will be considered "abusive" by me, then you are being stubbornly obstinate in the reading of the facts of this matter.

Anyway, thank you again Whit for giving me the opportunity to write this piece, something I would never have done if you had not posted the poem back in 2006. Here it is with your original comment and my original response. Thank you too, Whitmeister, for being such a good friend the past two years.

We have done with Hope and Honour, we are lost to Love and Truth,
We are dropping down the ladder rung by rung,
And the measure of our torment is the measure of our youth.
God help us, for we knew the worst too young!
Our shame is clean repentance for the crime that brought the sentence,
Our pride it is to know no spur of pride,
And the Curse of Reuben holds us till an alien turf enfolds us
And we die, and none can tell Them where we died.
We're poor little lambs who've lost our way,
Baa! Baa! Baa!
We're little black sheep who've gone astray,
Baa--aa--aa!
Gentlemen-rankers out on the spree,
Damned from here to Eternity,
God ha' mercy on such as we,
Baa! Yah! Bah!

My take of the words mean:

We have lost all sense of the future, and all integrity in ourselves. We have seen so much that we have lost the innocence of our First Love and can't find it any more. We can't tell the truth from a lie anymore. Our youth was filled with the hell and pain of war and we feel the shame of what we've been through and fail to feel the pride in what we've accomplished that others feel for us. We feel disqualified from this thing called life and our disinheritance surrounds us until we pass to the other side.

They sound like dead men walking, Whit. They have lost their innocence, their faith, the truth that they once knew. Their torments have caused them to see the world and others from the other side and they will never be the same. They followed the herd, baa, baa, baa, into the horrors of war and now they have lost who they are, the boys that they used to be, what they once stood for......

Don't we all lose our innocence sometime, Whit? Don't we all lose our faith, our hope, our love for God and our fellow man SOMETIME? Who has not felt those emotions so unique to the human experience? My wars have been different....I have not held a gun....not ever in my whole life....yet I have been to war and I defy anyone to minimize it or say that I haven't. I know what it means to lose my hope and to lose my honor, in my own eyes and in the eyes of my fellows. I know what it means to question my own integrity and to think that I MUST be the wrong one and everyone else MUST be right. I know what it is like to hug my pillow at night and pray to die.

I know what it is like to follow the herd, baa, baa, baa, and the price that is exacted from that. I know what it means to leave the herd and have to follow another road. A harsh, rocky, lonely, narrow road. I know what it means to lose the innocence of my youth and know that nothing....nothing....will ever gain it back....that I will never trust people, any people, even the people closest to me, the same way again.

I know first hand the curse of Reuban and know that my earthly inheritance is not worthy to be compared to what awaits me in heaven. If they deny me, I deny them. My hope is not 'false hope' and I do not hang onto it because I have nothing else to hang onto....I hang onto it because I have 'tasted and seen that the Lord is good' and no one in this world, not even my dearest and best can take from me what I have experienced.

I am a prisoner of the hope the Lord has put so far down inside of me that it can never be pulled out no matter how hard someone.....or circumstances try. When my hope fled from me, He caused me to hope against hope, and a greater hope was born. A hope that is not dependent on anyone but Him. He is all my hope, all my honour, all my innocence, all my youth and all my truth. In my darkest moments, in those times when I thought I would die from the grief, I found something so much greater than my own integrity to hope in.

Ps. 18 says, "He made darkness His secret place". For a while He was so bright and I didn't have to look hard to find evidence of His love for me. Then it's like someone walked in the room and flipped the switch. When the light went out all I could think of was "God is light and in Him is no darkness at all" (1John) and it condemned me. Yet His Word says that when our hearts condemn us He is greater than our hearts. Then I saw the Psalm and God drew me into that secret place, and it was dark....and I so HATE the dark....and it changed me, Whit. Forever. I am changed and even if I wanted to I can't go back. It would be like slapping Him in the face for all the times He has secretly met me in my need.

I am called rebellious and unsubmissive to authority....but I was such a good girl, wasn't I? It was only when I realized that nothing I could ever do for these people would please them, that I became truly free to please God alone.

Well, this is the first post on any blog in the whole time I've been here, that has taken me more than a minute or two to comment on. I had to process this one for a while and then I had to get past the tears. The nostalgic Whiffenpoof song was an easier take....but I knew this meant more to me than that.
by prisonerofhope (PM , CC ) on Thursday March 16, 2006 @ 10:05 PM

prisoner:At last we know how you acquired your blog name--prisoner of hope. I am not certain I like the use of the word "prisoner" within this context. I think of a prisoner as someone who is incarcerated against his or her will. And you have voluntarily entered into this relationship and are free to disengage anytime you wish. But meanwhile, the hope that you have goes deep into your own soul.I am pleased that you found a force which has allowed you to surmount all the turmoil in your life. And you are right. Sometimes, the battles we must fight within ourselves are just as real and traumatic as any battle by a soldier on a battlefield.Good luck to you as pursue your destiny.
by Whit's Whittlings (PM , CC ) on Thursday March 16, 2006 @ 11:04 PM

The blog name is really not original with me. There is a book, written by a Holocaust survivor, by that name. I understand what you mean about the 'against your will' aspect of the word but I don't see it that way, anymore than I see anything wrong with the scripture that calls us 'slaves to righteousness'. You speak of destiny, and I believe that, but right now, Whit, I can't see more than a day ahead of me. I know that I have hopes and dreams for the here and now, not just for the hereafter....but, well, we'll see...I'm not the type to barge my way in somewhere I'm not wanted. Anyway, I liked this post, even if it was hard.
by prisonerofhope (PM , CC ) on Thursday March 16, 2006


PS. ANYONE ON THE BLOGSTREAM OR QUESTIONSTREAM WHO INSISTS ON PM'ING OR OTHERWISE COMMUNICATING WITH MY FAMILY DURING THIS LITIGIOUS TIME CAN AND WILL BE SUBJECT TO SUBPOENA. BE AWARE THAT YOUR PM'S ARE IN PIONEER'S FILES AND ALL I HAVE TO DO IS GET THE JUDGE TO FORCE THEM INTO COURT RECORDS. I WILL DO THIS, EVEN IF YOUR PM'S DATE BACK FROM BEFORE THIS WARNING. PEOPLE I HAVE CONSIDERED FRIENDS ON THIS STREAM HAVE NOT ONLY TURNED THEIR BACKS ON ME, BUT HAVE, LIKE NOSY BUSYBODIES, ENTWINED THEMSELVES WITH PEOPLE WHO ACTIVELY TRIED TO STARVE ME. FOR THEM I SAY, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHO YOU ARE MESSING WITH.

ON THE OTHER HAND OTHERS HAVE COME THROUGH FOR ME IN WAYS I CANNOT THANK THEM ENOUGH FOR, AND I REALIZE THAT I HAVE FRIENDS FOR LIFE IN YOU.

My time is very limited at the moment....just wanted to let anyone who is interested know that things are okie-doke over here. I still have not received one of the two family vehicles, money of any denomination or a phone call to see how I am doing by any members of my so-called "family".....oh wait, I forgot....yeah, my phone was turned off too and no one knows the number of the new phone that Denis told me to buy two weeks ago (I told you he could see things that are coming)....but other than that God is taking care of us and we are trusting in Him. Still listening..........you know?

Depraved Indifference

Law & Legal Definition

To constitute depraved indifference, the defendant's conduct must be 'so wanton, so deficient in a moral sense of concern, so lacking in regard for the life or lives of others, and so blameworthy as to warrant the same criminal liability as that which the law imposes upon a person who intentionally causes a crime. Depraved indifference focuses on the risk created by the defendant’s conduct, not the injuries actually resulting.

Let it be forthwith known that God Himself takes care of plaintiff with or without access to one of the 2 family vehicles (an Odyssey Van and a brand new camper which was originally bought for plaintiff, not for defendant. Both vehicles are considered "community property". This is not including GEO Prizm which formerly belonged to plaintiff but was given to college student son for his transportation needs, leaving plaintiff with no separate vehicle from defendant since the summer of 2007).

All funds, including credit card and debit card have been turned off by defendant, leaving plaintiff with no money, even if she should, by God, get to a grocery store. Plaintiff has been left stranded at lakehouse which is over 10 miles to the nearest town, 15 to the second closest and 30 to the third closest. Defendant must think that plaintiff needs only lake water to survive.......maybe plaintiff should test that out and see what happens?

Defendant has not answered his phone or voicemail since Tuesday April 29, 2008. It is thought that perhaps defendant has bought new phone plan for himself and dependent children even though the former phones were still under contract.

Let it be known that defendant has control over all family vehicles, all funds, and has even stripped the use of the Verizon internet card he had previously given plaintiff. The fact that plaintiff is on said internet at this moment is nothing short of a miracle of God.

If anyone out there ever doubted that there is a God and He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him, plaintiff is here to tell you that He is alive and well and He IS taking care of me. And THAT, my blogstream friends, is why to this very day I continue to trust Him. selah.

I just wanted to leave a quick message to those of you keeping track.

Please don't worry. God is very good to me and I am doing well. A little fast never hurt anyone, but even now the operative word is "little". Just so you know, I am eating......more than enough, I'm sure.

For children of mine who insist on leaving angry and judgmental comments on my blog and then quoting a verse about "not associating with an angry man" (or woman I suppose) should I presume that you are telling me not to associate with YOU? I will take it that way until further notice.

I have waited and waited for someone in my famkly to follow the biblical injunction to speak to me FIRST, or at the very least accept MY phone calls to speak to you. Apparently my "sin" that you seem to think I am committing is not any greater than yours. I keep being told how "hurt" my children are....I get that. I wish people would stop saying it. And I haven't been hurt? Never? I respect the fact that my children may be hurt...yet, remember, these are not "children", as in "little"....the one leaving comments on my blog is in her THIRTIES. Time...and high time....to GROW UP.

I am not going to give any more details about anything now, knowing that every member of my family is monitoring my blog and are doing everything in their power to come against me, hurt me physically and emotionally, and make sure that I am "paying" for "my sin".

Isn't it interesting that I practically had to BEG them to look at my blog two years ago when I started it, and then when they DID start reading it they never even told me and began to use things that I wrote about myself against me.

As for comments left (and deleted) inferring that Denis came here to break up my marriage and that I knew it beforehand are just ludicrous. I have already ADMITTED to being vulnerable. I KNEW THAT and admitted it before anyone else had a chance to accuse me of it. That's what I meant about knowing my weaknesses intimately and living my life openly. There is nothing you can accuse me of, and no scripture that you are going to toss at me, that I have not already considered. For the one's that think that Denis and/or I are the "angry" ones, all one needs to do is look at the viciousness of the comments that are hurled my way on my blog. Oooops, I deleted them. Oh well, I'm sure "sick and tired" (most likely "Foxy Lady"...that name "foxy" should give you a clue to what I am dealing with here) will be back.

The daughter who thought I was "mentally ill" for taking in Gabriel and who also thinks I am "mentally ill" now, told her father back when Gabriel was here that we needed to get back into the "established church" and "under a Pastor" and that THAT is why MOM (not Dad, who is merely "weak" donchaknow....passive/aggressive is the term that was coined to describe THAT behavior) is "ill". Please catch that...because I am not "under a Pastor". The operative word there is UNDER. Hmmmmm, I seem to remember a man named Jim Jones...a Pentacostal Assemblies of God, tongues speakin' "Pastor" who split his congregation, took half of them to Guyana and served them kool-aid at the "spaghetti supper/fellowship time" he provided. Oh wait, maybe he left out the spaghetti. Sorry, my bad.

If anyone thinks that ANY Pastor is going to be able to change my mind anymore than my self-serving, indulgent and ungrateful children then they have a seriously OTHER thing coming. If you don't believe me just ask the Pastor who kicked me out of his youth group because I refused to stop the kids from coming over to my house any time they felt like it. He threatened me. He told me that I "would NEVER be a youth leader in his church AGAIN"

Whoa....seriously, WHOA! Wait a minute, you asked ME to be a youth leader, remember? And now it's MY fault that the kids like me and like to visit all the time and read their Bibles and sing worship songs to the Lord with me? I mean, isn't that the POINT? Seriously? If I remember correctly my response was "I don't need to be a youth leader.....I'm a mother...a "professional" MOTHER". Oooops, he didn't like that too much. He thought I liked being a youth leader so so much that I would do ANYTHING to retain the title. Sorry, YOUR bad on that one.

Guess what folks, I don't HAVE to be a mother anymore either. I mean, I would LIKE to be...and I still could if my children would talk to me more than they talk to each other (and my mother, whose been shutting me up about God for my whole life---I know, THIS is the woman whose opinion should be taken over mine....whatevah!).

I did not LEAVE my family. All I did is say that I don't want to be married anymore, okay? That's it. One of my kids said to me the other day that I "wouldn't have left if it weren't for Denis". I know what they meant and while they were wrong in their perception of motive, I will say that the statement has some merit. They are right.....Denis, after trying his hardest to fix something that was too broken to fix finally believed me and then started helping me reclaim myself and take charge of my life. If that is a bad thing to do then so be it. I don't happen to think it is and I do not believe that God thinks it is. What is the magic anniversary number when things change? 40? 50? 60? How long, O Lord? I admit that I am naive in many, many ways. Lookin' gently laughed at me today for how much I admit that I don't know. Well, growing up is always a good thing, right? Better late than never as they always say.

Again, please don't worry about me and/or Denis. We are fine. The tears were momentary and Lookin', you are awesome girlfriend. Thanks for being there for me. I love you.