Things I think about in the night when I'm alone:

Is Liza pregnant again?

I wish I could sing to Christina right now. She always looked up at me like as if in a trance when I did.

What's happening with the overseas adoption by Virginia and Adam?

I wish I could sing "It is well with my soul" to Ryan.

I wonder how Ashlyn's swimming is coming. I would love to swim with her.

Congratulations Tom, Jr. and Jenny on your respective graduations. I am very proud of both of you.

I'm still sorry I'm not there to help with the graduation party, Jenny, even though you're so glad I'm gone.

Happy 21st Birthday, Mike and Brandy. You guys are really growing up. Please stay safe since I'm not there to get on your case. *wink* I will always love both of you very much. As much as the home schooling tested both of our limits, Mike, I'll never be sorry that I gave myself to you that way. Keep reading, okay? The more you do it, the better you get.

I want you both to know, too, that I remembered June 10, 1997 this past month. I'll always be glad that of all the kids we could have kept, that we kept you.

Brandy, I don't know what's going on with you and Dave (and you KNOW how much I love Dave) but please, please, please be careful and don't do anything hasty. Please..............

I love you, Barbie. I always have. I know things got messed when you left but it was my fear speaking. I think of and pray for you often...please take care of yourself.

I really hope you stay in school, Jenny. Please don't give up. Please get the teaching degree that I didn't. Whether you think you do or not, you have it in you to do it.

Sabrina, you have done so well, especially since you switched schools. Keep on keeping on.

Another thing that comes to me when I am alone is that I'm sorry everyone I've loved so much is so disappointed in me. I am so, so sorry. I never wanted to hurt anyone...not anyone in my whole life. Honestly, I never did. I never wanted to leave NY or the lake. I had to do that to survive. Being left the way I was, with no car and no contact with anyone to help me (for people who were rude enough to suggest that Denis should have "gotten a job to help out"...Denis does not have a license or drive due to epilepsy he has had since childhood. My family knew that. They knew what they were doing. People need to stop judging situations that they have no knowledge of.)

My husband is claiming that I "abandoned" him, but that is not true. I love him...I still love him...all I ever said was that I didn't want to be married anymore. I don't ever want to married again to anyone...but that doesn't mean I didn't care then or don't care now. I'm sorry. If I say it every day for the rest of my life will anyone forgive me? Will it change anything? Probably not.

Another thing I think of is...will I ever see my grandchildren again? Will anyone ever let me know if I have any more? Will anyone ever speak to me ever again? My own Mom? My sisters who admitted to me that they knew very little about my life and my marriage since we all live in different states but still think I left such a "kind" man and don't want anything to do with me now.

Anyway, I am busy making a new life for myself, as I must now, but that is not how I envisioned things happening when all of this happened. I guess I knew that there would be some hurt, but that people would forgive me and still want me in their lives just as I still want to be in theirs.

If you guys 'hate' me now, be assured that I do NOT hate you. I never did, I never will, I never could. I don't hate ANYONE, let alone you guys. I LOVE you. If I didn't show it enough, I'm sorry. Maybe I was just so busy trying to teach you all to be safe in the world and I got testy at times when you did things that weren't. Some people would call that 'tough love'...I guess you guys saw it as being a bee-yotch.

As for me, I could probably meet Charles Manson and find something to pity about him which would make me feel a level of love for him. I've always known that I'm that way. Caleb says I 'created' reasons to love you all, but that is not fully true. I just love. It's what I know how to do. If you think that what I did showed lack of love toward all of you then you don't know me as well as I thought you did. All I wanted was to extricate myself from my marriage. Not from your lives. Not even Dad's.

For blogstreamers who wonder why I use this medium to communicate with my family...they should know that it is the only way I am sure that they will see it. They are checking my blog at phenomenal rates. My hit counter confirms it. E-mails and phone calls are not returned. I hope my fellow bloggers will understand.

I love you all.....I really do.....

Mom/POH/Nana/Connie

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