Now that I live by myself:

1.) I clean the kitchen at 2am.

2.) I take care of my own bills.
I found out that the one thing I dreaded all of these years....taking care of finances...isn't all that hard. The people I make my car payments to are awesomely helpful....Mary, my car insurance lady is the absolute patientest (is that a word?) person I have EVER met, treats me with the utmost respect especially since I freely admit I have no clue what I'm doing and don't pretend to know more than I do. I have my very own "personal banker" at the bank I am using. Her name is Jan and she is the sweetest and has no problem explaining things in terms I can understand. What I've learned is that as long as the rent, the car payment and the car insurance are paid, every thing else is a piece of cake. I am living without cable, internet and cell phone of my own choosing at the moment. I may never go back to any of them. Then again I might. It's all up to me now though, isn't it?

3.) I keep cash on me at all times for emergencies.

4.) I have my very own credit/debit card that I got for myself and by myself and no one can shut it off behind my back or take it out of my wallet and hide it without telling me and so that I find out about it when I am at the store with a cart full of groceries and can't pay for it.

5.) I read whenever I want to and as much as I want to without being asked "sooooo....what have you done all day?".

6.) I don't have digestive problems anymore.
In spite of all the uncertainty and upheaval in my life of late, I haven't needed to take Pepto-Bismol, Kaopectate, or Imodium in months.

7.) My stomach isn't tied up in knots all the time anymore.

8.) I don't feel the need anymore to have to please a bunch of people who can't be pleased.

9.) I write whenever I want to and as long as I want to without being asked "sooooo, what have you done all day?".

10.) When I write it is quiet.

11.) I have my very own car that no one can take away from me or tell me I can't use to go to the store whenever I feel like it. and sometimes I feel like it in the middle of the night.

12.) I go to my 24 hr. Wal-Mart any time I want to, even in the middle of the night if I want to.

13.) When I go to Wal-Mart I don't have to ask if it is okay to get something. I just get it.

14.) I go outside in the middle of the night.
I used to be afraid of being out in the dark until I had to sleep alone in my car in between campers in the Wal-Mart parking lot at times. Funny how that changes a person. Sometimes, even now, in spite of my comfy-fied air bed, I will just grab my pillows and blankie and go over there with my laptop and just play around on the internet until my eyes close, and then just let myself fall asleep in my car. Crazy, huh? Well, you did know I'm mentally ill, didn't you?

15.) I go out in the middle of the night when I can't sleep to catch the internet and there is no one there to tell me I can't.

16.) I eat what I want, when I want, and how much I want and there is no one to tell me I'm eating too much (my mother), too little (when I'm fasting/my husband), or the wrong thing (both). As such I've lost weight (about 10-15 lbs....of course not eating regular meals for 2 weeks helped alot too). I don't think about food pretty much at all unless someone puts it in my face.

17.) My apartment stays clean because I pick up after myself and don't have to pick up after anyone else.

18.) I don't cook very much anymore except a couple of eggs here or there and am healthier for it.

19.) The only dishes I have to wash or laundry I have to do is my own.

20.) The only mess I clean up is my own.

21.) I am very organized and clean but I don't have to have anyone looking down on me if they walk in the kitchen if I happen to have a few dishes in the sink. Then again, the dishes that used to be in the sink at home weren't mine for the most part anyway so why should I have been made to feel bad about that?

22.) I burn candles, sage, etc. whenever I want to, even all night long....when I was married I wasn't allowed to.

23.) I laugh when I want to and no one tells me I'm too loud.

24.) I cry when I want to and no one makes a face and tells me I'm mentally ill for having feelings.

25.) I eat when I want to and no one tells me I'm a glutton.

26.) I don't eat when I don't want to and no one tells me I'm starving myself in the name of God.

27.) I don't have to have sex when I don't feel like it and I am not given the silent treatment or made to feel guilty about it.

28.) I don't have to have the TV on all the frikkin' time.

29.) I can think straight.

30.) I actually LIKE having a job outside my home because I finally get to keep the paycheck and decide how it is spent and it isn't taken away from me and spent on things like electronics that I'm not interested in.

31.) Since I've lived on my own I have found out who my true friends and family are. I have found out that just as there have been people I thought were on my side and weren't, that there are also people who ARE my friends and I didn't know how much.

32.) Since I've lived on my own I can be with people or not be with people at my choosing, not at someone else's.

33.) If I get invited somewhere I don't have to "ask permission" to go and I don't get threatened that I am going to get reported to the Pastor (by my own husband) because I am not supposedly being "accountable" to him.


34.) I can stay on my computer as long as I want without someone commenting about how long I've been on it.

35.)I don't have to worry about what anyone but God thinks of me, or have their judgments up in my face 24/7.

Yes, living on my own, sometimes I feel lonely....but there is something far worse than feeling lonely when you are alone. That is feeling lonely in a room full of family that you think loves you and then you find out ahhhhhh....not so much.

Yes, sometimes I feel sad. But feelings are normal. I'm tired of people telling me I'm bi-polar like they think it's some new kinna revelation to me. I'M the one who told THEM that 15 years ago. My mother was the first one I called. Apparently they weren't listening. I wrote posts on it on my blog 2 years ago and was profusely thanked by a number of bloggers for the information I provided and for being so forthright about my own ups and downs. Now my family is trying to use those posts against me. My case is so minor that the doctor told me NOT to go on medication and SO DID MY HUSBAND. Guess it didn't serve his purpose to medicate me back then. He said he liked my natural energy. Humph. I have learned many ways to manage my highs and lows and in the past 15 years have managed them far BETTER than in the years before that. My family feels otherwise not because I am more emotional, but because I have learned to stand up for my self and not be such a doormat and people pleaser. No one seems to appreciate what God has done in me in that area in the past few years. Well, I guess I would be upset too if I ever had a doormat in MY life that I could step all over and suddenly the door mat started rising up and saying "no more". Since I've never had one of those I guess I don't know how it feels. Maybe that's for the best. It's taught me the gentle art of gratefulness. And in spite of the tenor of this post I AM grateful. Grateful to be out from under 'the stuff' that held me down. Now I know what God meant when He told me that He was "drawing me out of the stuff".