Okay....this is a serious rant so...if you don't want to read it you prolly should move on and get your daily devotions somewhere else today.

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I just talked to one of my closest friends, Ginny Gordon, a woman who feels more like a daughter than a friend, from NY last night and she told me some things that I didn't know.

Apparently, before I left NY she saw Tom, Tommy and several of the little kids at the LIma house the same day that I was there which was the very same day that I walked to the next town (5 miles) to buy a car. I haven't really told the car story yet and I don't plan to in this post but it was a true miracle what God did for me that day. Oh my gosh, just thinking about it makes me a little weepy again...just knowing how much God took care of me that day. I'll save that story for another time, just know now, if you didn't before, that there IS a God in Heaven and He WILL take care of you if you will allow Him to and ask Him to.

Well, one thing I want to make clear right now is that I had nothing to do with Tommy's medication. I don't know what happened with that on that day but it had nothing to do with me. I don't know about it. And no Tommy, I DON'T want you to be sick. Why do you think I fasted all of those years? Because I felt like it? I was fasting for YOU! You need more than medication, my beautiful son, you need deliverance from what you have. I was fasting and praying for that. I still believe that you can be delivered and pray that you will be. Fasting isn't in the picture for me for the moment though. God's told me that I don't have to since I've been hungry enough in the recent past.

I could not believe what Ginny said Tom. She told me that RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN you were talking about our sex life to her! Have you lost your MIND? People have the NERVE to say that I AM THE ONE who is mentally ill? You must be JOKING! What is WRONG with you? How dare you desecrate yourself and me in front of them like that! The whole "locked box" thing was about YOU! That was never for me with someone ELSE! Why are you DOING this? I took the box over to the 14 house because I wanted the BOX...not what was inside the box! Everything that happened last winter and spring, from the steak dinner to the lingerie was for YOU!

You are a fool. I never knew how much until just now. Tommy deserves better than to have you give him some mental image of his parents as his inheritance...... stuck in his mind now for the rest of his life. What were you thinking? Or were you not thinking? Not so much I think.

I cannot believe that I AM THE ONE who is being labeled sick in the head. People need to close their judgmental, gossiping mouths right now. Put duct tape over 'em. Hurry up. Stop heaping more and more judgment on yourSELVES.

I don't care about the money and you have known that since the first day I told you that I wanted to separate. You have made comments for YEARS that you know that I wished you would die so I could get my hands on all of the money. I used to rebuke you for saying that. I HATED it when you said that. That is what YOU wanted...not me. I've NEVER cared about the money and the proof is in the fact that I told you that all I wanted was the camper and $1,000. a month for expenses. Apparently that deal wasn't good enough for you even though I offered you EVERYTHING...all the houses...EVERYTHING!

You told Ginny that you "love me with all of your heart". Why would you say that when you told me yourself last March that you didn't. Even if you had never said that, if you did "love me with all of your heart" you wouldn't be doing what you are doing. You would be treating me right, no matter WHAT that fool lawyer of yours tells you.

You have never loved me, Tom....not really.....and you know it. You tolerated me. I gave you all of our earthly possessions and you still tried to STARVE me. Who does that? What purpose did it serve? Oh, you did it on the advice of your lawyer? Nice excuse. Do you actually think GOD is going to accept that when you have to face HIM for this? Ohhhhhhh, my LAWYER told me to leave my wife for two months (and it was only that long because I LEFT) on the lake with NOTHING....not even a car to get to town to get a job so she wouldn't starve to death. The lawyer has never even met me. You lived with me for 36 years. Don't you have a mind of your OWN?

I have nothing left to say but God help my family. God HELP them. I love them....but I can't change them. Staying there wouldn't have changed anything but let them stay in their little fairylands thinking that life is all about them.

I would love to see my grandchildren, but the rest......not so much. I can live without the constant, draining desire to please people who cannot be pleased no matter how hard I try. I thank God for where I am. I thank Him that He has held me in the palm of His hand and cared for me every step of the way. He is a great God and deserves to be praised in the good times, the bad times, and all the times. One thing no one can accuse me of throughout this entire thing is losing my faith in God. I could fly away, O Glory, on the faith that I have stored up in me right now.