I can't undo what I have done. Would I if I could? Should I if I could? Those are more complex questions than they would appear on the surface.

Yes, I have regrets. I regret that this whole thing was brought out on the questionstream before I had a chance to speak with my two oldest children. The shock of it must have been horrific for them. Yet, I did try to to get in touch with them repeatedly and then was repeatedly rebuffed and told, through a son-in-law, not by them, that they were not speaking to me.

This is not scriptural and it is not how they were raised. This particular son-in-law, who so desperately desires ministry for himself, should not have to be told what the Bible has to say about that as well as my daughter who submits herself to this heresy. Jesus made it clear that whether one is offended, or it the one who has done the offending, when it is realized, the one who realizes it should go to the other. When both claim to be Christians there should be no question but that some kind of conversation should take place to resolve the issue if it can be resolved. This daughter has not taken the time nor the opportunity to correspond at all.

The closest I have come to having contact with either of my two oldest children, both girls, was a week and a half ago when I received an e-mail from my second child. I had sent a small gift to each of my grandchildren, a little jigsaw puzzle that I made. I received one back in the mail with no note of explanation. Apparently none was needed. They want nothing to do with me. The other daughter sent me an e-mail, the first of any that I have received from her. She is obviously still upset (with some good reason, I will admit, as something came to light that I had no previous knowledge of....however, had she told me at the time we could have spoken then) and probably wants nothing to do with me also but the door was opened, at least a crack, for some discussion. For that reason alone I wept.

Virginia, I want you to know that I love you dearly, and that I DO have some regrets. Mainly that I didn't talk to you and Liza before the news of this got out. Whenever my heart has been heavy about this, it has been about that particular issue. I never meant to hurt either of you that way. However, the hammer of judgment came down so quickly that I could not combat it.

I am certain of one thing....that I will, most likely, never be able to satisfy all of the questions of your hearts and for that I am truly, truly sorry.

The question I posed is 'knowing what I know now, would I have left?'. Knowing what I know now......no. If I had known the shock and pain it caused I would not have. The toll was too great. I never expected to leave. That doesn't mean that I didn't want to. Even Dad knew how unhappy I have been. He's known for years and he didn't care. He knew everything because I told him. He knew that I didn't want to be married. Not just to him, but to anyone. When Frances at work told him that she would never remarry and why, we discussed that and I told him that I felt the same way. He knew it was the control issue. It never changed anything. Maybe we were too late into our marriage for things to change, I don't know. I love Dad. I have always loved Dad. I definitely love him more than he is loving me now in spite of the fact that I am putting everything out there on my blog. Sometimes silence isn't 'golden'. Sometimes it's just sinister. Maybe I share my thoughts too freely, but at least people know where I'm coming from. Personally, I think that's better.

Yes, knowing what I know now, I would have stayed 'for the kids', even though they are pretty much grown up. I still would have. Seeing how it has affected you, I would do it for you. The fact of the matter is though, that Dad was HAPPY when I told him that I wanted to separate. My picture was taken out of his wallet almost immediately, and he bought me the camper the next day. I've never seen anyone so happy to see someone else leave. By the time I got back from the five day trip in the camper there was a bottle of wine in the refrigerator at Angus and not one, but TWO wine glasses used. The circles from the bottom of the goblets are in the marble in front of the fireplace and one of the glasses was broken on the ceramic tile in the kitchen. Why, if there were no 'friend', as Dad says there wasn't, were TWO goblets used? And why are there TWO rings in the marble? Jenny herself told me that Dad had a new 'friend' from his Divorce Care group and Dad told me himself that there was 'no way' that he would EVER wait six years to remarry as the Divorce Care people recommended. I make all of these points to say that when I wanted to separate Dad was NOT unhappy so I had reason to believe that HE thought it was probably a good thing. As it turned out he decided that I shouldn't just leave, but that I should be "crushed" while doing it. If he didn't feel that way then, and now, WHY is he STILL trying to take everything from me when I had already offered him everything? Revenge is not that sweet, Tom. It hurts the other person but it turns on the one doing it and changes that person into something they never expected to be.

The second question is 'should I have left?'. That is a very different question from whether I would have. The answer to that, at least in my mind, and I say this fully in view of God and His righteousness......

yes.......

yes.......

yes.......

No, I would not have.....but yes, I should have. I did, so the question is moot, but yes, I should have. There are people, maybe some reading this right now, who knew, either because I told them directly, or because they surmised it because they know how to read between the lines, and knew our family intimately, how unhappy I was. Bloggers have told me that even some of my happiest posts scream how unhappy I was even though I never wrote about my marriage and very little about my family personally. I know, for a fact, that Squabbler knew. Randy420 knew. Fme.....not so much until he came to our house. He actually tried to put things back together in his little servant way not realizing that it was too late. Whisper knew. Whit knew something if not details. Lookin' knew. Mr. Ornery knew. Theo knew. Monsterbox, more than anyone, knew. I never even said much to him, but when he came to visit for a week he wrote a post. He knew. He saw. I trusted his words to me when I talked to him. He may be only 21 but be careful how you judge that boy. He knows stuff waaaay beyond his years. Daniel and Rich knew. I never said anything to them....they just knew. Kristina and Ginny Gordon knew. I didn't tell them. They told me.

You know what? I think God is bigger than our little preconceived notions of who He is and what He thinks. Does God approve of what I did? That is the REAL question, isn't it? If I need to repent, as Liza thinks I do, then it is to HIM that I should repent first, right? God has been so close to me that I can't even begin to describe it. His care for me during this time is unequalled in all of my life. He has shown Himself to me in ways that I have only heard tell about in OTHER people's lives, not mine. The car story is a genuine miracle (what dealership actually sells a car to someone with no credit of their own, no money down and NO JOB?). Without that car I don't know where I would be today. That is how I got the Food Stamps to sustain us through the month of May and June. That is how I was able to get off of the lake. Without that car......who knows? I hate to think.

I got the apartment the exact same way, and the landlord actually had a young couple with money in hand ready to rent it and she STILL rented it to ME. I had no money at that time. Who does that? When have you EVER heard of that happening? It defies logic.

Then again, God's ways are higher than our ways. That's why I praise Him. He doesn't have to make sense to me. He is God and I am not, that's all I can say most of the time. He is allowed to work in my life whether it seems good to me or not and I will still praise Him. When I was sleeping in my car in the Wal-Mart parking lot I could have assumed that God had deserted me.....yet, I felt His presence all the more. When I am working 10-12 hour shifts on my feet and Dad is retired, I could assume that he is blessed and I am not, yet, I don't feel that way at all. I feel very blessed and know that God is working overtime for me. I KNOW He loves me and is taking care of me. No one...and I mean NO ONE can convince me other wise.

Yes...I was 'supposed' to leave.....at least I believe so. But just like I have stayed in the established church to make other people happy, even when I knew it was wrong for me, I would have stayed in this marriage too. I would have. If you think I should have, after I've been honest with you about my own needs, then what I realize is...you never loved me or cared about me. One thing that leaving did was show me that the unconditional love that I feel like I have for people, was not shown to me. I may not agree with the choices that other people make in their lives but I still love them and accept them into mine whether they make the choices I think they should make or not.

You made the statement to me, Virginia, that you did not want Denis to be involved with your family or your children. Who ever said that HE wanted to BE involved with ANY of you? I don't condone some of the things that he said but let's face it, he was attacked first. He came into our house and our lives and SERVED us. It was the family that went after HIM, not the other way around. When he finally got upset with Dad there was very good reason. He was sticking up for himself, but he was also sticking up for me. Dad was lying at every turn and even admitted that he 'should be more honest'. Maybe some of the things Denis said were inappropriate but he TRIED to be NICE and got stomped on. The minute Craig came over, the only time he ever actually met Denis, all he could see was that Denis was playing Queen on the stereo and had tattoos. Big frikkin' deal. And this man expects to be in MINISTRY to his generation with this kind of judgment trailing behind him? Methinks the MTV generation is going to have a serious problem listening to anything he has to say. There is a reason that Denis listened to me when I talked about God when he came......it's because, at least in person, I don't come off as some 'holier than thou' Christian like the average church goer does. He has told me that if I did he never would have given his heart to the Lord.

If I am going to be judged by my family for the choice of people that I allow into my life then so be it. I will live under that judgement and they can live under God's. I know that Dad has not liked it that I had guy friends on the blogstream. I guess I would have cared more if he had liked ANY of my girlfriends either. I couldn't even talk to anyone on the phone without him telling me later that he was 'jealous' of the time I spent with them....but when did HE want to talk to me? CNN was always waiting, wasn't it? The one thing I love about my comfified apartment is that I don't have a working TV yet. I'm sure I will at some point but that day hasn't come yet and I'm not in a huge hurry for it to happen.

Whatever happens, please know this....I love you all with all of my heart. You have been my life all of my adult life. My grandchildren are my heart and you all know that more than anyone. If you refuse to give them the only thing I have to offer them at this time, there is nothing I can do about it. God told me to make the effort and I have. I will continue to. If you choose to send my little offerings back, the way Liza did, so be it. Amen. Do what is right in your own eyes.

My life is not easy now...but it is MY life. I will owe no man anything but to love. I love you all....I love Dad....I love everyone in NY who persists in gossiping about me. And don't be deceived, it IS getting back to me even in the Great American Mid-West. Crazy, huh? Yesh, that's how I would describe my life of late. Crazy. Not mentally ill. Just crazy, man.

I love you all,

Mom

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!