Things I think about while I'm at my mindless job in the workforce of the Great American Mid-West:

1.) If my mother, my sisters, and my two oldest daughters (along with assorted others) truly think that I have a "mental illness" as they say, wouldn't they want to reach out MORE to me, not shut me out of their lives? What about this picture doesn't make sense? It seems like you reached out more to Susie Kirsch, Mom, than you are to me at this time. It has been five months and the only time I've talked to you is when I have called, and then you only answer when I call from a number you don't recognize. Shun me if you must, however, I have never done that to you, even when you have made choices and done things that I don't agree with (and you have).

2.) If anyone in New York thinks that ANYONE in my life at the moment wants ANYTHING to do with any of you, your children, etc. you are sorely mistaken. The only person who gives any of you a moments thought...........is me. No one else that I know here even wants to hear me mention your names, talk about any of you, let alone know you at all, after what you did. Even Caleb doesn't want to know you, and he loved you all so much. One day, while standing for two hours in line at the DMV, I got talking to a 75 year old Christian man. After a while he asked me how I ended up living in the Mid-West since I am from the East Coast. I told him that I wanted to separate from my husband of 36 years, but I never intended to leave New York, especially the lake. I told him that I wanted to stay living near my husband so that I could help him if he got sick and that I had told him initially that we should still do the houses together because we are good at that. I also wanted to stay near my children and the one grandchild I have in NY and the other two who would come back from Texas periodically. I told him that my husband was very happy to let me go, or at least that is how it appeared. Then I said that my family left me on the lake, with no vehicle, no phone, no internet, no money, no credit card, no money in the debit acct., no access to finances at all, without telling me where they were going. I told him that they refused to talk to me then, and that they don't want to have any contact with me now. He looked me straight in the eye and said, "Well, I think that is the Lord telling you to find new 'family'." I teared up a little bit at that. He smiled a sad little smile and said he knew how I felt. He didn't tell me his 'story', but it appears he has one to tell. I don't know if I will ever be able to let go of my family with the apparent ease that they have let go of me, but I'm trying. I talk about everything on my blog because it is the only place I have to do it. I'm not good at keeping my feelings all bottled up. I did it for years and it didn't get me anywhere.

3.) Everyone back home is so concerned about what happened to the furniture at the 14 house. Does anyone care at all that two people were left to starve in that house for almost two months? The only reason that there was food left there at all when we left is because we didn't have room in the car to take a cooler. It was bought with Food Stamps, just so that whoever reading this is aware that it was not bought with money that was given to me. I was actually quite amazed that Social Services, in three states, granted me Food Stamps, even after I was extremely honest in telling them that I was part owner of multiple homes in NY. The lady in Kansas told me that I shouldn't have told her that because she had to record it in the record now, but I told her that I would rather be totally honest, even if I didn't get the help, than not to be and have it come back to haunt me later. After she saw the divorce paper that was sent to me in the mail (which I just happened to have in my possession at that moment) she went and copied it and put it in my file. She said that was all I needed and awarded me the Food Stamps for the month in that state. See? By filing those divorce papers so quickly Tom (after you said you would wait a year), you actually helped me....not hurt me. I am not being facetious when I say thank you for that.

Anyway, which is worse, murder by depraved indifference (and the law states that to be charged with that the victim does not have to die...it is about the intent of the perpetrator)....... or giving away furniture, most of which was mine anyway because it was given specifically to ME and was from my side of the family. Besides that, I saw with my own eyes that the spindle on my mahogany cabinet was broken off (probably in the move from the Lima house). I wasn't as upset with that as with the fact that Tom and Mike, who are the ones who moved it, didn't tell me, and tried to cover it up after it was set in place. That is one of the big reasons I gave the furniture away. I didn't have the money to take it with me, Liza and Virginia never seemed like they cared as much about it as I did, and I figured it was going to be trashed if I left it with anyone else in the family. I believe that the person who has it will take care of it very well. I am sorry that the person who took the furniture ended up taking more than was offered after I left, but to be honest, after what happened to us, I think you didn't even come close to getting what you deserved. I gave you all of the houses, Tom. I gave you everything. After you left you bought another car and even STILL didn't give me a vehicle to drive. I won't even go into the part about how you told the kids about our sex life! OH MY GOD! I had to pray about that one! You kept me from them by buying them new phones (while still paying on the old plan) and by shutting off mine. What has happened to you? Why are you doing this?

Believe it or not, I still love you. It would appear that your 'love' was only there as long as you were getting my sex every night. As soon as that was gone I must have become the enemy. I was never your enemy. I never will be. I'm still waiting for you to contact me about the stimulus check. I would like to share the money with you. You've never turned down money, so I'm thinking that you MUST think that I have something 'up my sleeve' about it. Maybe, like, you will wire me money and then I won't send you the check. It occurred to me one day that that is what you might be thinking because that is how YOUR mind works, not mine. I would never do that. If I say I'm going to send you a signed check (which can't be cashed without your signature also) then I will. I just don't think it's fair that I should send you a signed check HOPING that I MIGHT get part of it and then I don't. I might just do that anyway though....as a good faith gesture, even though I don't get 'good faith' back. My trust in people has pretty much been shot to hell so I don't have any expectations anymore. I'm pretty sure that I would never move back to NY now, but that doesn't mean I don't love each and every one of you.

I trust in the Lord. He is the stronghold of my life. He told me that He would never leave me or forsake me and He hasn't. I never 'left' you Tom. I just wanted space. I just wanted to find out who I was and where I was going for the rest of my life without having to ask permission to go to the grocery store. There were many aspects of my life that I knew were not going come to fruition (ie. inner city ministry, short term mission trips, etc.). I wasn't asking for that anymore. I just wanted some freedom to serve the Lord and figure out who I am in the mix. I never dreamed it would come to this.

4.) Working, as hard as it is, has been good for me. I would rather do something else, rather than be on my feet all day, but my weight is down, I've lost another pants size (I'm a 10/12 now, even smaller than I was when I was swimming every day), and I'm as healthy as I've been in the past five years after getting sick every few months with something). In spite of the stress I haven't been sick one time since I was so ill last winter with that horrible flu and then the extensive bleeding that came on even before I was beyond that hacking cough. My digestive system is the best it's ever been in my entire adult life, and I am sleeping through the night....something I haven't done in a number of years. From the lifting I am doing, I am having some trouble with the pinched nerve in my arm, which I have had in the past, but when I remember to take my enzymes on an empty stomach I feel a lot better.

One more little interesting thing that I did recently is have my hair colored. Well, I have colored my hair for the past 15 years, so that, in and of itself, isn't such big news, but I've always colored it some shade of blonde which was my natural color when I was younger so it goes well with my skin. A few days ago a friend of mine here and I bought a package of Loreal "Ginger Twist" and forged ahead. It is hair color that comes with it's own highlighting kit. If you happen to be in Wal-Mart, check it out and you will see what color my hair is now. It looks AWESOME if I do say so myself. Somewhere between strawberry blonde and light auburn. It goes very well with my ruddy complexion and blue eyes, and it almost matches Virginia's hair in tone and texture. It looks very natural and I am pleased with the result. Maybe someday I'll go back to blonde, but for now I am very much enjoying being a redhead. Yay for meeee!

Okay, now it's time for me to go to work. I worked in the morning yesterday....only four hours. That was nice. Today I had the morning off and work 8 1/2 from this after noon till this evening. Even the 8 hour days don't seem so long now since I've done 10-12 (8:30am-8:30pm) quite a bit. Good thing I learned to like coffee. It helps alot and with lots of creamer in there it tastes good too.

Love you all,

POH